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General McChrystal Gives Police Airtight Alibi In Rolling Stone Reporter’s Mysterious Death

Stanley McChrystal

ALEXANDRIA,  VA – Retired General Stanley McChrystal has been questioned by authorities in the mysterious death of journalist Michael Hastings, sources confirmed Wednesday. Hastings was best known for a 2010 Rolling Stone article which led to McChrystal’s resignation and retirement.

According to investigators, McChrystal was hosting a dinner party at his Alexandria home when Hastings was killed in a car accident in Los Angeles. Attendees at the dinner included prominent defense contractors, professors, and think-tank analysts.

“We had just finished the pork loin when Wadsworth, the butler, came up to Stanley with a silver tray,” said Lesley Scarlet, a graduate student of Yale University. “Stan read the note on the tray and rose to make an announcement. He looked somber and gave a gracious tribute to Mr. Hastings, then offered a toast. Things were understandably awkward, but we continued.”

“You could really tell Stan was all broken up over the whole thing,” said Michael Green, a defense contractor with Boeing.

Hastings is the latest in a string of reporters who have gone missing or died under mysterious circumstances. None of the incidents have been tied to McChrystal, despite his obvious motive and extensive background in special operations.

“I can confirm that Gen. McChrystal was an individual of interest that we questioned in relation to the death of Mr. Hastings,” said Alexandria Police spokesman Col. Allen Mustard. “We responded to a request by the Los Angeles Police Department, but at no time was Gen. McChrystal a suspect.”

Col. Mustard confirmed that “multiple witnesses” were able to corroborate McChrystal’s alibi that the General was “in the dining room, with Mr. Green, Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet” when the accident took place.

“We have verified the alibi by peeking in the folder sent to us from Los Angeles and have no reason to believe Gen. McChrystal was in any way involved in this incident. I’ve done what you asked, please, just don’t hurt my kids.”

McChrystal gave a brief statement to the media outside his home. Reporters gathered outside were asked to move “a little to the left, closer to the large X in the lawn” prior to him answering any questions.

“Mike’s untimely death was unfortunate. I’m sure the entire world of journalism is saddened to see such a promising career end so suddenly. He was doing just fine and probably had a lot more to give to the profession. Now he can’t do anything about the issues very important people may have told him in confidence and off-the-record.”

When asked about his well-timed dinner party, McChrystal, dressed in a Nehru jacket and holding a cat, thanked his guests “for being honest with the authorities since we all know what happens when we tell the wrong people the wrong things.”

McChrystal ended the news conference by stating he was late for a meeting of his new venture capitol firm D.A.G.G.E.R.

As if on cue, a black helicopter piloted by Jeffrey Sinclair descended from the sky, whisking McChrystal and his cat towards Crystal City.

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