ORLANDO, FL — In a rare move, U.S. combatant commands across the globe called for “cease fire” Friday, after the National Air and Space Administration (NASA) announced the Hubble had identified a new red star cluster just outside the Milky Way.
The more traditional military-issued red star cluster has been used by small units in recent conflicts to signal anything from injured troops to troops-in-contact. However, current military doctrine clearly states the “red star cluster should be explicitly utilized as a means for signaling a cease fire.”
Experts believe that doctrine is exactly what caused the confusion.
“The combatant commands are staffed by senior military officials who pride themselves in studying and successfully executing doctrine. So it’s no surprise they applied the single command across the entire force,” said a low-ranking Pentagon official who chose to speak on the condition of anonymity for risk of getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter.
While most units in Afghanistan received the order quickly over traditional communications gear, others that were sent the command via e-mail responded slowly, resulting in several lingering shots heard around the world.
In an official statement released by U.S. Central Command, leaders praised the cease fire as an, “excellent display of a perfectly executed command,” and “proof that doctrine is sound.” However, small unit leaders throughout the services quickly took to social media to communicate their complaints.
Twitter user “MuffDiver22,” who describes himself as a “Bad-ass pussy stomper currently deployed to AFG” posted just minutes after the order, “WTF are these idiots doing up there?!! God damn fucking shit!” The site was full of similar Tweets such as, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” “No wonder we’re losing this war,” and “What’s NASA?”
At press time, there were unconfirmed reports that several units were pinned down under intense enemy fire, waiting for leaders or NASA to get their heads out of their asses and reverse the order as soon as possible.