HAZZARD COUNTY, GA — Gen. James “Hoss” Cartwright took to the Hazzard County courthouse steps to declare his innocence this morning amidst an ongoing Justice Dept. investigation into his alleged involvement in leaking classified information of a 2010 cyberattack on Iran’s nuclear facilities.
“I can assure the good people of our fine county that I am in no way linked to any leaking, corruption, or illegal activities,” said Cartwright, accompanied by his aide Capt. Roscoe P. Coltrane and his basset hound Chesty.
“If there was any leaking here in Hazzard County, I would advise the government to look into them daggum Duke Boys. You know, the one going to Ecuador and that other one on trial right now, Edward Duke and Bradley Duke.”
When asked if he meant Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden, Cartwright produced a comically large record book and declared “No, I mean Bradley Manning DUKE and Edward Snowden DUKE! I have it right here that those two are in fact kin and if there is any leaking, we should be looking into them. Speaking of, didn’t I tell you to go to Russia and get that there Duke boy, Roscoe?”
“This investigation has been active for over two years,” said Justice Department Spokesman Miranda Booke. “Whenever we were making progress on the trail of the leaker, orange construction cones and a ‘detour’ sign would appear. The detour would usually lead to a washed out bridge or large culvert that our late model 1970s police cars couldn’t jump.”
The investigation into Cartwright is the latest in a number of high profile leaks that have plagued the Obama administration. White House spokesman Jay Carney denied that this case was just a good old boy never meaning no harm.
“The level of Hoss Cartwright’s treason beats all you ever saw. He’s in trouble with the law,” Carney said. “While we don’t know when his illegal activity may have begun, I would speculate it was since the day he was born.”
Back in Hazzard County, locals did not seem surprised that Hoss Cartwright would be the subject of a gub’mint investigation.
“A girl can’t even walk down the street without him offering to mentor you back at his hotel room overnight,” said Daisy Duke, who claims no relation to Snowden or Manning. “And he always bragged about how connected he was. Blah blah POTUS is my BFF. ‘Hey baby, want me to shoot your satellite out of orbit?’ Ick.”
When asked what kind of punishment Cartwright might face, Miranda said there was a high probability the case would end with Cartwright’s large white Cadillac crashing into a mudhole amid a string of G-rated curses.
CORRECTION: Our non-existent fact checking staff has confirmed that “Hoss” Cartwright was a character on Bonanza, not the Dukes of Hazzard. The writer, who is senile, has been fired and banished to the worst place on earth: Camp Buehring, Kuwait.
In his defense, he was trying to make a connection between Gen. Cartwright and “Boss” Hogg. However, we deeply apologize for the error and are glad the entire internet is out in force to set the record straight. And also, thank you for your service.