US Military Deploys Two Airsoft Battalions To Syria For ‘Operation: Softening Blow’
DAMASCUS — The U.S. military took an unusual move Tuesday with the deployment of two battalions of amateur airsoft players to the Syrian capital, in an attempt to depose Bashar al-Assad, or at a bare minimum, just look like they are at least doing something in the two-year-old civil war.
Indeed, the battalions of fully-grown men — who dress up in military uniforms and shoot each other with Airsoft guns on the weekend — are currently en route to the conflict zone via an extremely short C-130 airbus.
“I’ve been training for this my whole life,” said Jeremy Lyons, a 32-year-old college dropout who swears “Airsoft is just a hobby,” even though his entire Facebook features photos of him looking like a goddamn Navy SEAL.
Sources were unable to confirm whether Lyons had ever actually had sex with a woman.
“We think this is a step in the right direction and a humanitarian way of dealing with these people,” said Pentagon spokesman George Little, although he refused to clear up confusion among reporters of whether he was talking about Syrian civilians or the hundreds of douchebags who play airsoft and think that gives them military experience.
According to Pentagon planners, Operation: Softening Blow will give the rest of the military an edge over Syrian forces, by softening up defensive positions: More specifically, Little said, the hope is that the Syrian army will run out of ammo and fuel from running over Airsofters with their tanks so much, there will be little opposition left.
“Since most of their parents bought their equipment, they’re also better outfitted than Delta Force and SEAL Team 6,” said one official, speaking of the most elite military units.
In the Mediterranean Sea, four U.S. Navy ships are standing by to provide support to the Airsoft battalions, most notably from unarmed aerial drones that will only beam back video footage that everyone can laugh at later.
“They won’t stop shooting at us!” cried one pathetic loser, who intelligence sources believed with 98.7% confidence would die a virgin. “And how do they expect us to eat around here? Has anyone seen Applebee’s? We’d even settle for Shoney’s. Jesus!”
At press time, an advance party of airsofters was seen running through the streets crying, in desperate search of a Holiday Inn Express.
Investigative correspondent Merrick also contributed reporting.