WASHINGTON — Department of Defense and White House officials praised the actions of the Syrian government for their mass slaughter of defenseless civilians through non-chemical means this weekend.

“When we heard that there was another incident in a small suburb outside Damascus,” said Pentagon spokesman Maj. Daniel Michaels in a press conference, “There was great consternation that it may have been another use of chemical weapons of mass destruction by the desperate Assad loyalists.”

Michaels flipped a slide to show a graphic image of dismembered corpses. “Fortunately — after investigation — we found that the population was humanely butchered and bludgeoned by ordinary weapons like machetes and assault rifles.”

When pressed for more details on the two-year long civil war in Syria that has killed an estimated 100,000 civilians through means that the U.S. has previously been totally fine with, Michaels took the opportunity to wax poetic. “When the loyalist forces passed and the dust settled on the village, the only sounds to be heard were the harsh calls of carrion fowl hovering over the desolated houses. That’s a good thing because it means that there weren’t any lingering agents in the ground that could damage the environment or wildlife.”