BAGRAM AFB, AFGHANISTAN — The first shipment of reinforced golf carts have arrived in theater at Bagram Air Force Base near the Afghan capital of Kabul, sources reported today.
“The new G-01F Enhanced Personnel Transporter is the latest addition to our warfighting capabilities here on the ground,” explained Brig. Gen. Daniel Kosciuszko, Commander of Air Lift Wing 13, in a press conference. “Initially, I got some serious push-back from [former CENTCOM Commander] General Mattis on the subject. He called me a [expletive deleted] candyass fairy Air Force [expletive deleted] Polack and bodily threw me out of his office.”
Koscuiszko paused to bring up a picture of the improved equipment on his slide show. “Fortunately, [new CENTCOM commander] Gen. Allen was so busy with the impending catastrophic defeat of his forces in Kandahar that I was able to slip this request by his G4.”
Fielding a question from the Duffel Blog about the military purpose behind the glorified golf cart, Kosciuszko defended his position with panache.
“Look here. The Army and the Marines are always going on about not having adequate protection for their men out in the field. What about the lives of my airmen? Are they somehow less valuable just because they’re on the golf course and not clearing routes of IEDs? I’ll have you know that 33% of my Wing’s emergency room visits have been sustained while out on the links, and I will be damned if I have to write another letter home to a loved one about an injury that could have been prevented by our new up-armored carts.”
“Besides,” Kosciuszko added, “Now we finally have something to do with those completely impractical MRAPs that isn’t selling them to incompetent third world countries or sending them straight to the junk yards to get scrapped.”
The Air Force Chief of Staff agreed.
“The G-01F?” said Gen. Mark A. Welsh III, “Oh it’s great stuff! Great stuff! Personally testified before Congress about its usefulness to the war effort. Not only is its manufactured in no less than 30 states, but the main assembly factory for this baby is located in Ithaca, New York! Boy did that score points with [Secretary of the Army] McHugh!”
Welsh also noted what he called “the finest in Air Force safety features.”
“It comes combat-ready with two five-point harnesses, a roll cage, airbags, and extra reflective bumpers,” said Welsh, who went on to say that regrettably — despite the service’s best efforts — an initiative to install ejection seats was rejected by ORSA by being ‘too impractical’.
At press time, three airmen had been killed and one critically injured in a rollover incident involving their G-01F between Holes 11 and 12.