WASHINGTON, DC — Secretary of State John Kerry announced he would be firmly against any military action in Syria, and plans to lead an anti-war movement to protest the conflict as soon as he finishes starting it, sources confirmed today.
Kerry, an allegedly decorated Vietnam veteran and outspoken anti-war activist, told reporters that he does not support a campaign of aggression against a sovereign nation that is not a clear threat to the United States.
He has spent the last several days traveling between the White House and the Pentagon to coordinate how best to kill Syrians without threatening American servicemen and women with unnecessary harm.
"This entire war is an abomination to the democratic process," said Kerry, while on the way to a briefing by Lockheed on their newest advances in incendiary and high-explosive delivery systems. "We can't just leap into a war without first explaining to the American people why it is necessary."
After Kerry had finished giving a press conference about the Syrian government's "clear violation of international conduct," he fired off a statement on the State Department website calling for formal protests of the Obama Administration for its clear intent "to engage in unilateral warmongering" without international consensus.
Still, Kerry detailed what he called "barbarism" at the hands of the Assad regime.
"They have personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, and razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan," Kerry said.
During a break from attempting to make the case to the United Nations about why the Assad regime should be made to pay for its transgressions, he held an impromptu interview with several major news networks, saying the United States is prepared to take action despite resistance from across the globe. When his speech was finished, Kerry lamented the fact that the American government seemed absolutely determined to start a war, regardless of the consequences.
"As soon as we begin our campaign against Syria for the flagrant attacks against her own people with chemical weapons, I intend to throw my Congressional identification cards over the front fence of the White House," Kerry said. "The thought of conflict without cause disgusts me, and I won't have any part in that."
At press time, Secretary Kerry was heavily involved in discussions on whether or not to include schools and hospitals in the list of approved strike targets.