DAMASCUS, SYRIA — President Obama urged calm Tuesday and insisted all was well in response to disruption of the annual Homecoming Parade by Syrian leader Bashar Al Assad and his unruly fraternity of fellow dictators.

Assad and his allies had been expelled to the fringe of the international community, but seized on the highly-publicized event as a chance to make what they described as "a really futile and stupid gesture."

Trouble was evident even before the the parade began. Members of the Iranian Quds Force and Assad's secret police were observed at key points along the parade route, wearing dark sunglasses and trench coats, and seen in local businesses asking for "ten thousand gas masks, please."

Things quickly escalated after top Syrian commander Maher Al Assad dressed up like a drum major and led a marching band of Arab progressives down an alley, where he and the Shabiha proceeded to murder them all.