DAMASCUS, SYRIA — President Obama urged calm Tuesday and insisted all was well in response to disruption of the annual Homecoming Parade by Syrian leader Bashar Al Assad and his unruly fraternity of fellow dictators.
Assad and his allies had been expelled to the fringe of the international community, but seized on the highly-publicized event as a chance to make what they described as “a really futile and stupid gesture.”
Trouble was evident even before the the parade began. Members of the Iranian Quds Force and Assad’s secret police were observed at key points along the parade route, wearing dark sunglasses and trench coats, and seen in local businesses asking for “ten thousand gas masks, please.”
Things quickly escalated after top Syrian commander Maher Al Assad dressed up like a drum major and led a marching band of Arab progressives down an alley, where he and the Shabiha proceeded to murder them all.
“Remain calm. All is well,” said Obama following the appearance of a large cake-shaped float with “Security Council Veto” written across the side as icing. The cake then accelerated to dangerous speeds before running a group of floats labeled “Hope,” “Change,” and “Togetherness” off the road, sending them crashing through the windows of several small businesses.
“Cut the cake!” yelled Russian President Vladimir Putin from within the float, as the sides fell away to reveal a “Ba’athmobile” piloted by the leaders of the world’s most oppressive and autocratic regimes, who sat inside laughing uproariously with their arms around each other’s shoulders.
“Rem…remain calm. All is well,” Obama continued to plead and stammer as Putin slammed the vehicle into the supports of the reviewing stands, causing them to collapse with the entire United Nations still standing on them.
“I hate those guys,” growled U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon from underneath the wreckage.
Secretaries Kerry and Hagel were reduced to pounding on the sides of the Ba’athmobile while Putin taunted them from inside in a mocking falsetto voice, saying he was having trouble locating all of Syria’s chemical weapons.
A multinational peacekeeping force attempted to intervene in the chaos and stop the sectarian massacre, but slipped on thousands of marbles thrown into the street by Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khameini.
“Oh boy is this great!” giggled Hassan Nasrallah, the portly leader of Hezbollah.
At one point British Prime Minister David Cameron grabbed a rifle and attempted to chamber a live round, but was swept away by a runaway parade float. Shortly after, Bashar al Assad emerged from the back of the Ba’athmobile in a humorous pirate costume.
Effecting a miraculous escape from dozens of armed factions attempting to stop him, Assad climbed a nearby building and surveyed the chaos. He then grabbed a dangling piece of the UN charter and used it to swing into the crowd below, ripping it down the center and impaling a Syrian child with his comically oversized cardboard sword.
Assad then picked up a shrieking Sunni woman and leapt into a nearby convertible with her, waggling his eyebrows as he drove off into the sunset.
Obama was last seen screaming “REMAIN CALM!!!!! ALL IS WELL!!!” as he was trampled by a large crowd of international dignitaries, congressional representatives, western media personalities, armed rebel groups, and traumatized refugees stampeding away from the scene.
Duffel Blog Investigative Reporter G-Had was the pledge representative to the social committee.