Report: Solution To Syria Chemical Weapons Crisis Result Of Drug And Alcohol Bender
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources confirm that the solution to the chemical weapons crisis in Syria came as a result of an all-night bender attended by Secretary of State John Kerry and Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel.
According to sources, Hagel texted Kerry stating that he felt overworked and needed a “wingman to blow off steam and bitch about my boss." Fellow veteran Kerry agreed, stating that he had some “righteous weed and a few pills left over from Theresa’s accident."
By night's end, a peaceful political solution to Syria’s use of chemical weapons against its own people was devised after hours of drinking, marijuana use and free flowing conversation.
“Yeah those two bums were down here,” said Mike O’Leary, bartender at The Velvet Lounge, a D.C. dive bar. “They came in looking like they had been at it for a bit. Reeked of reefer and whiskey. But they were paying with cash and kept downing the beers on a Sunday night, so what do I care?”
“They were looking all down, and kept talking about …
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