Report: Solution To Syria Chemical Weapons Crisis Result Of Drug And Alcohol Bender
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources confirm that the solution to the chemical weapons crisis in Syria came as a result of an all-night bender attended by Secretary of State John Kerry and Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel.
According to sources, Hagel texted Kerry stating that he felt overworked and needed a “wingman to blow off steam and bitch about my boss.” Fellow veteran Kerry agreed, stating that he had some “righteous weed and a few pills left over from Theresa’s accident.”
By night’s end, a peaceful political solution to Syria’s use of chemical weapons against its own people was devised after hours of drinking, marijuana use and free flowing conversation.
“Yeah those two bums were down here,” said Mike O’Leary, bartender at The Velvet Lounge, a D.C. dive bar. “They came in looking like they had been at it for a bit. Reeked of reefer and whiskey. But they were paying with cash and kept downing the beers on a Sunday night, so what do I care?”
“They were looking all down, and kept talking about giving up. Then they get this look and are all hugging and crying and shouting ‘JUST GIVE THEM UP!’. I had to kick them out because the other patrons where complaining after the third time they launched into ‘Goodnight, Irene’”
The next day, a visibly tired and dehydrated Kerry appeared in London where he offhandedly remarked that Syria give up its chemical weapons to international control could be a possible solution. Syrian and Russian diplomats seized on the remark and have begun engagements with France to bring the proposal to the UN Security Council.
When asked where the new policy came from, President Obama crossed his arms and sulked, reminding the press corps that he had won the Nobel Peace Prize and therefore does not need to eat his vegetables.
“Look, I have to get on national television and look like an idiot because I said we’re going to bomb them. Now we’re going to have to engage the UN, work with diplomats, have inspectors and all trippy drippy hippie peace stuff. I got the Peace Prize and if I say bombing is peaceful, then I don’t think anyone has the credentials to challenge me on that.”
Pentagon officials are working feverishly to locate Hagel, who did not report to formation before the Senate Armed Services Committee on time. His aide made an unverified claim that he was at a dental appointment and totally not passed out in his quarters.