THE PENTAGON — A Sergeant Major was found unconscious in a Washington brothel Sunday morning, after an all-night marathon session of sex with multiple prostitutes, fueled by large amounts of Viagra and amphetamines. A Three-Star General was arrested after a high-speed chase with Fort Detrick Military Police, who found an underage Filipino boy and over a pound of black tar heroin in the trunk of his car.
These incidents are all the result of the Army’s recent suspension of its drug testing urinalysis program, another consequence of the ongoing government shutdown, according to Dr. Ink Zemen, head forensic investigator for Army Criminal Investigative Division at Quantico.
“Because of the shutdown, I’ve had to furlough literally every single one of my civilian workers,” Dr. Zemen explained. “I’m the only one on the essential list, and I don’t have any money left in the budget to do anything. No collection, no testing… I’ve even had to throw out a bunch of the samples we’d already collected.”
Once word leaked about the suspension, many soldiers saw an opportunity to use and distribute recreational narcotics with absolutely no way for the Army to catch them. Across the service, MPs and CID agents have seen a massive increase in drug-related incidents.
“It’s causing a ton of problems,” said Staff Sergeant Michael Castillo, the unit Urinalysis Program NCO for 53d Explosive Ordnance Disposal Group at Fort Campbell, KY. “The money situation is so bad that I don’t think I could even collect samples if the shutdown ended this minute. I’m completely out of rubber gloves and those red tape strips we use to seal the sample bottles.”
The suspension is also resulting in a marked surge in morale. “Who gives a [care] if the First Sergeant called a formation for Saturday morning so we can spend our day off picking up cigarette butts behind the chow hall?” asked Sergeant First Class Monica Ballard, holding a footlong, inch-think doobie with salad tongs. “I’m going to get totally baked and then the whole thing will probably feel more like I’m playing some kind of Facebook game where you have to collect cigarette butts to unlock a prize or something.”
“Oh man, I am totally blasted,” she added. “You want to, like, make out or something? My husband would be fine with it as long as we keep it above the waist. Just don’t tell him. You want some Funyuns?”
The military’s senior leaders are also proving especially susceptible to the lack of drug testing. General Martin Dempsey, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, has been admitted to Walter Reed for treatment of Funyunitis and Dorito Lung brought on by marijuana-induce “extreme munchies.”
And almost overnight, complicated and elaborate trafficking rings have sprung up within the ranks. General Raymond Odierno was arrested by MPs this morning standing on top of a Jamba Juice wearing nothing but a top hat and monocle, firing an antique blunderbuss at passerby and screaming about snakes infesting his brain. Upon investigation of his quarters, MPs discovered evidence of a multi-state, thousands-strong, billion-dollar methamphetamine distribution cartel that Odierno apparently set up in only 24 hours.
“Seems like the General broke the cardinal rule: never get high off your own supply,” said Dr. Zemen, shaking his head. “Still, it shows you what a good leader he is. It took Pablo Escobar two decades to build his drug empire. General Odierno did it in a single day, and still had time to go monocle shopping.”
Back at Fort Campbell, Staff Sgt Castillo continued to complain. “Not only can we not make people pee in cups anymore, which was kind of my raison d’etre, but…” he leaned in, whispering, “now that I don’t get to scope ween on a regular basis, I’m kind of missing it. Last night I found myself down in Nashville behind the Country Music Hall of Fame asking random strangers if I could watch them pee. I almost got shivved.”