The following is an informational piece written by a prominent JAG lawyer who wishes to remain anonymous.
Alright, listen up dickheads. I’m going to drop a bomb of knowledge on you so big you’ll think you’re back on the block in Boston. Too soon you say? Well fuck off and pay attention. I’m sick of reading the news everyday and seeing you idiots plastered all over the front page. Pissing on dead bodies, killing civilians, chucking a puppy off a cliff, all of these things will get your ass a one way ticket to Fort Leavenworth.
Unless you make a storyboard!
We’ve been at war for over 12 years. You people really think these isolated incidents are the only fucked up things going on over there? Hell no! But unlike the rest of you half-wits, the real veterans know how to do that shit and get away with it.
Your squad leader shot a kid in the face during a patrol? Make a storyboard.
’1 insurgent KIA. Weapons were retrieved by hostile villages before we could recover the body.’ Its too easy! Don’t want to lie? Don’t have to. Just tell the Afghan Army to go get him. God knows what happens to evidence when those sodomites get their mitts on it. No one will question it.
But instead you morons want to post YouTube videos of your war zone shenanigans. Save it for later hero. Or just don’t fucking film it. There’s a novel idea. Remember, even though the DoD sent you overseas to kill people, it’s still the organization that will cancel training to teach an all white platoon about Equal Opportunity. Or have a diversity picnic to celebrate lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and transgender (whatever the fuck that means) heritage month.
So leave your helmet cams at home ladies, and stick to pictures. A still shot of you working a severed head like a sock puppet can be just as funny as a video, and if you put it in a slide show first with a sexy logo, voila, you’re untouchable. And you can just cut all the pictures out of the presentation later and save them for your computer wall papers back home when you redeploy.
I’m not just talking out of my ass here. I was a combat infantryman during the invasion before I decided to get a law degree. One time I ran over an old man with my Bradley Fighting Vehicle. Sliced his leg clean off. You know what I did?
I threw some zip-ties on that terrorist bastard and arrested him.
The caption under the picture of that 68-year-old ‘insurgent’ read, 1 x Enemy WIA, minor damage to 1 x US BFV. Nothing further to report.
One little sentence and no one blinked an eye. What the fuck do you think would happen back in the states if you sliced off some geriatric’s limb with a Corvette? But I never heard a peep about it. And for all I know that guy spent the rest of the war rotting in a Baghdad prison cell with a dirty tourniquet around his stump.
So for the love of all that’s holy, when you decide to stick a frag grenade up a camel’s ass for shit’s and giggles, don’t take a damn video, just take a picture! War crime? More like helping the local population learn humane butchering techniques, thereby increasing the overall security of AO BumbleScum through increased cultural cooperation.
God damn I’m good.
In closing, please remember: Presentation always trumps reality, so if you make a storyboard, it’s not a war crime.