JAG LAWYER: If You Make A Storyboard, It’s Not A War Crime ArmyJ October 18, 2013 Advice 8 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: The following is an informational piece written by a prominent JAG lawyer who wishes to remain anonymous. Alright, listen up dickheads. I’m going to drop a bomb of knowledge on you so big you’ll think you’re back on the block in Boston. Too soon you say? Well fuck off and pay attention. I’m sick of reading the news everyday and seeing you idiots plastered all over the front page. Pissing on dead bodies, killing civilians, chucking a puppy off a cliff, all of these things will get your ass a one way ticket to Fort Leavenworth. Unless you make a storyboard! We’ve been at war for over 12 years. You people really think these isolated incidents are the only fucked up things going on over there? Hell no! But unlike the rest of you half-wits, the real veterans know how to do that shit and get away with it. Your squad leader shot a kid in the face during a patrol? Make a storyboard. ’1 insurgent KIA. Weapons were retrieved by hostile villages before we could recover the body.’ Its too easy! Don’t want to lie? Don’t have to. Just tell the Afghan Army to go get him. God knows what happens to evidence when those sodomites get their mitts on it. No one will question it. But instead you morons want to post YouTube videos of your war zone shenanigans. Save it for later hero. Or just don’t fucking film it. There’s a novel idea. Remember, even though the DoD sent you overseas to kill people, it’s still the organization that will cancel training to teach an all white platoon about Equal Opportunity. Or have a diversity picnic to celebrate lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and transgender (whatever the fuck that means) heritage month. So leave your helmet cams at home ladies, and stick to pictures. A still shot of you working a severed head like a sock puppet can be just as funny as a video, and if you put it in a slide show first with a sexy logo, voila, you’re untouchable. And you can just cut all the pictures out of the presentation later and save them for your computer wall papers back home when you redeploy. I’m not just talking out of my ass here. I was a combat infantryman during the invasion before I decided to get a law degree. One time I ran over an old man with my Bradley Fighting Vehicle. Sliced his leg clean off. You know what I did? I threw some zip-ties on that terrorist bastard and arrested him. The caption under the picture of that 68-year-old ‘insurgent’ read, 1 x Enemy WIA, minor damage to 1 x US BFV. Nothing further to report. One little sentence and no one blinked an eye. What the fuck do you think would happen back in the states if you sliced off some geriatric’s limb with a Corvette? But I never heard a peep about it. And for all I know that guy spent the rest of the war rotting in a Baghdad prison cell with a dirty tourniquet around his stump. So for the love of all that’s holy, when you decide to stick a frag grenade up a camel’s ass for shit’s and giggles, don’t take a damn video, just take a picture! War crime? More like helping the local population learn humane butchering techniques, thereby increasing the overall security of AO BumbleScum through increased cultural cooperation. God damn I’m good. In closing, please remember: Presentation always trumps reality, so if you make a storyboard, it’s not a war crime. Randy Bartlett says: April 16, 2014 at 1:25 AM Pretty sure that’s not the halal way to kill a camel. Otherwise, Distribution A. Bryan Goldberg says: April 16, 2014 at 1:25 AM I had to go back and ask my JAG buddies who wrote this so I could high-five them. Paul Palko says: April 16, 2014 at 1:25 AM How true…just don’t ever do anything that might lead the upper echelons to think it might come back to bite them in the ass…and you’re covered. It’s the new reality…so deal with it! Charles Graner Jr. says: April 16, 2014 at 1:25 AM Storyboard! Now you tell me. Erich Maria de Villiers says: April 16, 2014 at 1:25 AM My favourite is to shoot a child dead and then claim that some terrorist used them as a human shield. When the investigators followup their questioning, just blame the 5.56 cartridge’s lack of penetrating power. Jo Jo Bubba Junior says: April 16, 2014 at 1:25 AM Finally there is a JAG OFF who isn’t such a Jag-Off if you know what I mean. This is the exact kind of counseling we need out of these otherwise rear echelon slack jaws. Any Jag-Off who counsels like this is worth his weight in ammo and grenades. One other thing is that when you think you are about to commit a crime, remember to come up with a date and time that you were told to execute such activity on order by the first Full Bird – field grade officer in your chain of command…then if their is an inquisition all you have to say is, “Hey you saw that movie A Few Good Men…who ordered that Code Red?” It’s also my advice that the next time you have any type of formal unit function or party, contract a deal with a couple of smoking hot looking hookers, one male and one female to attend as guests from your family and once everyone is liquored up instruct them to hit on the various commanders and their wives and to take pictures of their success. Nothing guarantees command cooperation more effectively than pictures especially showing skin after a few cocktails. A few pictures posted on the internet is the next best thing to being there…especially if your commander’s wife is a screamer and you have it recorded with audio. Jonathan Paul Sielaff says: April 16, 2014 at 1:25 AM I laughed so hard I think my soul died a little bit… AG Miller says: April 16, 2014 at 1:25 AM Scaletty wrote this article.