FORT DRUM, NY — Top Pentagon officials are in an uproar this week after news has leaked out that the Army’s vaunted 10th Mountain Division — celebrated as the premier arctic and alpine warfighting unit of the military — is actually nowhere near a single fucking mountain range.
While the secret has been kept well under wraps for years, the information finally surfaced during a strategic deployment conference in Washington, D.C. that was attended by both Congressmen and military leaders from across the nation.
Maj. Gen. Stephen Townsend, the commander of 10th Mountain Division, was unwinding at the ‘Boobie Bungalow’, a historic D.C. bistro, when he let it slip that he wished his soldiers actually had mountains nearby to train in, Duffel Blog has learned.
Gen. Martin Dempsey, who was seated nearby reading his latest list of military cutting instructions from President Obama, stared in disbelief. Before he could interrupt, Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.) overheard the comment and spit out his drink all over Chastity, a Marine spouse just working her way through law school who was upside down on the Congressman’s crotch.
“What the fuck do you mean it’s not near any mountains?” Levin asked. “All I ever hear about that place is mountain this, and mountain that. These are supposed to be the U.S. Army’s premier alpine and cold-weather combat soldiers!”
“What the hell are they doing if there are no mountains around?” he added.
Dempsey, who loathes confrontation with members of Congress, tried to mumble something about Fort Drum being near Lake Placid and the Adirondacks, with their picturesque 4,500 foot hills, but the Congressman wouldn’t have it, and angrily demanded a senate hearing to address the issue.
“What the hell is happening to the Army?” Levin was overheard asking as he entered his limousine with Chastity and three of her friends. “Next thing they’ll tell me the 101st doesn’t jump out of planes!”
At press time, Army leaders were still bracing for a full-scale investigation by the Senate Armed Services Committee, and praying they wouldn’t be asked to give examples of success during mountain operations in Afghanistan.