Desperate Army Football Team On Verge Of Discovering Forward Pass

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WEST POINT, NY – Coaches of the Army football team at West Point confirm they are putting the finishing touches on the “forward pass” — a move they say will be groundbreaking for their players soon to take on the Navy Midshipmen.

“We wanted to try something different this year,” said West Point head coach Rich Ellerson, who had always wanted to coach high school-level football while being paid millions of dollars. “Every single year we try to run the ball straight up the middle into the opponent’s defensive line, with admittedly, little success.”

The Army Black Knights, aspirants to NCAA Division I football, could have simply rested on their laurels after an impressive 3-8 record this season, with games where they scored many field goals and succeeded in occasionally moving the ball towards the opponent’s goal instead of away.

But such acceptance of mediocrity is not in the DNA of the vaunted Black Knights of the Hudson, who have gone without a winning record since 1996 and have lost the previous 12 Army-Navy rivalries, a losing streak on par with the actual Army they deign to represent on the gridiron.



“The forward pass has the potential to change everything we know about football!” claimed Lt. Gen. Robert Caslen, who disconcertingly sprang from behind a curtain as if on cue. “FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL! Who needs a military when you have football!”

The general threw open the double doors to Coach Ellerson’s garishly opulent office to reveal the Army Spirit Band and cheerleading Rabble Rousers, who immediately descended into a bacchanalia of discordant melodies and chanting.

Sources confirm the team is feverishly working on throwing the football forward — practicing the incredible movement through last night and into this morning — in the hopes of using it against Navy this afternoon.

Still, Ellerson says there are some nagging issues.

“Of course, our quarterback doesn’t know how to hold the ball properly, and we don’t have any wide receivers, but I’m counting on the element of surprise!” said Ellerson while making made a supplicating motion.  “After all, if I don’t win this game, then the Association of Graduates will in all likelihood flay me alive.”

“Bring me more wine!” roared Caslen, who had garbed himself in a toga and surrounded himself with half-naked cadets destroying the office in debauched fashion. “The Superintendent demands a football symposium!”

At press time, sources report that West Point Command Sergeant Major Todd Burnett has squashed Coach Ellerson’s plans for the forward pass, postulating that if the Army Football Team was supposed to have an offense, the Army would have issued it one.

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Frederick Taub

Mr. Taub is a retired cornet of the Blues and Royals. He is a veteran of Afghanistan, Siam, and Prince Harold's latest expedition to Las Vegas. Hate him on Twitter @fredericktaub