CHICAGO, IL – A surveillance team with the Department of Homeland Security reports that they wish Ibrahim Dawud, a local Arab-American whom the department is currently surveilling, would just get off his ass and hatch a terrorist plot already.

Special Agent in Charge Michael Hunter, who heads the team from ICE Homeland Security Investigations, described how his initial excitement over identifying the 43-year old resident of Chicago as an extremist gradually turned into boredom, then apathy as numerous wiretaps, surveillance, and undercover informants failed to turn up the slightest hint of terrorist activity, even after secretly collecting his fingerprints.

"We know he's a bad guy, but so far we've spent about five hundred thousand dollars just watching him sit around doing nothing," said Hunter. "Those are ICE funds we could have easily used to keep illegal immigrant children out of our schools, or even transferred to the TSA for improved anal cavity searches."

According to Hunter, Dawud has missed numerous opportunities to conduct not only terrorist attacks, but also terrorist training, financing, networking, support, or any other type of extremist activity. In fact, after eight months of surveillance all Hunter has concluded is that Dawud is either the most cunning terrorist in history or the laziest.