SAN DIEGO, CA — In a harsh and stunning display of martial discipline, Navy officials have reported that in response to numerous disciplinary infractions aboard the hospital ship USNS Mercy, they had not only relieved the ship's commander, but also had him keelhauled.

“My actions have greatly shamed and discredited the Navy and were prejudicial to good order and discipline,” Capt. Donald Otis monotonously recited at his sentencing. He then reportedly gulped a hearty swig of rum and forlornly sighed, moments before being tossed over the side of the Mercy and dragged along the bottom.

Otis was found guilty of fraud, racketeering, and treason for his involvement in the Glenn Defense Marine bribery scandal. In lieu of the expected brig time or a reduction in rank an exasperated court, also dealing with ten other related cases, returned the surprisingly harsh sentence.