Dead AK-47 Inventor To Be Buried In Mud For A Week, Cleaned Off, Then Put Back To Work

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Michael KalashikovMOSCOW — Russia has announced funeral arrangements for Lt. Gen. Mikhail T. Kalashnikov, inventor of the AK-47 assault rifle.

“Comrade Kalashnikov will be buried in a pit of mud with full military honors,” said General-Major Saiga Molot, a spokesman for the Russian army. “After a week, we will exhume his body, clean it off, and put him back to work. We expect that there shall be no issue with his functions.”

Kalashnikov died of complications from a liver transplant operation. The liver Kalashnikov received was allegedly Romanian, but turned out to be a substandard Albanian version.



“It was a successful substitution, but it made him inaccurate and prone to blockage,” said his son, Victor. 

While praised for his simple operation and ruggedness, Kalashnikov is also being remembered for his contributions to over 300 insurgencies, 524 known terrorist groups and at least 18 hostile regime changes.

“We will always be grateful to General Kalashnikov for giving us the inspiration for Kevlar,” said DuPont President and CEO Ellen Kullman. 

An outpouring of support came from some unexpected areas, including Hollywood, which gave him a star on the walk of fame for his contribution to action films which “helped the audience identify the bad guys without further visual or audio cues” as well as the music industry.

“You can rhyme about a MAC-10 or Uzi, but they know you’re serious when you start pulling out that AK,” said rapper Banana Clip. “Think of what rhymes with 47 – heaven, um… Devon? 7-11? Yeah.”

Kalashnikov is survived by 21 major variants and 31 national operators in addition to several unknown and unidentified versions.

Courtney Massengale

Courtney Massengale is a distinguished graduate of USMA. His flanking maneuvers are perpetually better than those of his arch nemesis, Sam Damon. Courtney is in a loveless relationship with his wife of 94 years, Emily. While not scheming to destroy Damon, Courtney enjoys pointless meetings, criticizing others and twirling his mustache.