WASHINGTON — In the face of a perceived spike of attacks on female joggers in recent weeks, the Pentagon has affirmed its commitment to women’s safety by prohibiting female service-members from jogging, sources confirmed today.

“We are committed to the safety of all of our service members, but especially those that may make themselves targets for sexual assaults,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. David Petrides. “We want to ensure that these service members are not attracting unwanted attention via their choice of clothing, perspiration, or movements that could be characterized by depraved maniacs as ‘sexual’ in nature.”

Petrides also acknowledged the difficulty of the ban, telling reporters that other initiatives are being considered by senior leaders to help women exercise less provocatively in safer environments.

“Nothing is off the table when it comes to the health and welfare of our female service members,” said Petrides. “From a buddy system, pairing women with big, strong men to protect them from would-be attackers, to instituting vibrating-belt machine PT, we want to make sure we send a strong message that violence against women will not be tolerated.”

The most promising solution, according to Petrides, is to move-up the initiative already underway to make women’s PT uniforms less flattering, which is set to launch in late 2020.

Still, the move to ban jogging by female service members has been met with stiff opposition. Frank Saldana, the Morale, Welfare, and Recreation (MWR) director at Fort Campbell, Kentucky, is one of the people directly impacted.

“Now that women aren’t allowed to run, the base gyms are packed with female soldiers exercising,” said Saldana. “We never planned on any soldiers using the gyms, let alone this many female soldiers.”

According to Saldana, the influx of female soldiers has caused other unforeseen issues like weights being properly racked, equipment sanitized, and scented candles in the unisex restrooms.

“It is a literal nightmare,” said Saldana.

Officials are hopeful, however, that a permanent solution can be instituted that will eliminate attacks on female joggers.

“As long as it is an easy one,” added Patrides, “that doesn’t require a lot of work.”

Meanwhile, senior Pentagon leaders are also looking at the benefits of eliminating women jogging to address problems like low retention, weight control, and government travel card fraud.

Intrepid reporters Blondes Over Baghdad and AndieDiGianni contributed to this report.

PENTAGON — After 40 years of the same physical fitness test, the Army has announced a new combat focused test that will reverse its recent spate of war loses dating back to Vietnam, sources confirmed today.

“The new test is combat-focused,” said Esper. “It’s a game changer. Clearly our inability to properly test our soldiers’ physical fitness levels has led to some poor outcomes in recent conflicts.”

The Army Combat Readiness Test is a massive change to the current assessment and will include six events: the deadlift, power throw, push-up, sprint/drag/carry, leg tuck, and 2 mile run.

Senior Taliban leaders are clearly intimidated by the well-developed deltoids of soldiers that have been training for pilot programs to test the new ACRT, a recent Rand Corporation study shows. The research, citing several unnamed intelligence sources, stated that the Taliban are particularly concerned that soldiers well trained in the “dead-lift” could push back recent Taliban inroads in a number of provinces.

“If we had had this test back in 2001, we would have already won the war in Afghanistan,” said Maj. Gen. Malcolm Frost, who oversees the ARCT as commanding general of the U.S. Army Center of Initial Military Training. “Frankly, I can’t believe it has taken so long.”

Generals across the Army greeted the announcement with enthusiasm, while criticizing the Afghans’ poor performance on their own physical fitness test as a clear indicator of their inability to conduct combat operations. Security Force Assistance Brigades, the units charged with training indigenous forces to fight in lieu of American soldiers, are now focusing entirely on training for the ACRT.

“If we can get the Afghan Army to master the power-throw, I really think we can turn this thing around,” Staff Sgt. Damien Alverez of 1st SFAB told reporters. “I wish I had trained this way for my last six deployments.”

Esper added that he was eager to see the new ACFT implemented across the force, particularly in staff and institutional units.

“We’ve been doing entirely too much thinking and planning across the force. It’s time for our leaders to get out there and focus on what really matters. Physical training.”

Guys, I have to come clean: I don’t think we survived this past deployment. I don’t really feel anything anymore. The color has run out of the world. All is awash in browns, grays, dust and burning, stifling, ball-sweat inducing heat. We must question our purpose, the point of it all. Are we dead or just in Kuwait?

Why are we here? Is there nothing other than absurdity in this bleached pan of our waking nightmares? Is there nothing more than watching how many Kuwaiti soldiers it takes to devour that foreign delicacy chocolate cake?

Has life been reduced to watching other living, breathing service members — not merely our own, but the entire Western world’s — go on real deployments? This can’t be Hell, can it? Hell does not have a gym or an MWR. (Or does it?)

I’m certain Hell has better chicken wings.

Was it Kierkegaard who once said, “we shall not decide which life fights the good fight most easily, but we all agree that every human being ought to fight the good fight? Unless of course they’re sentenced to this godforsaken desert by the Military Intelligence Readiness Command?”

Trust me, that was purely rhetorical.

I’m pretty sure this place was the last thing Camus saw flash in front of his eyes before the crash. We are condemned to be free, but what is the nature of this freedom? Condemned to roll our laundry into balls repeatedly, like some modern Sisyphus?

The freedom to complain about internet lag or the sheer lack of Black Panther on haji disk? Was life ever more meaningless?

Wait. That’s why I can’t remember Iraq. That was a lifetime ago, when we believed in COIN and David Petraeus. We are assigned here. This is life now. Somewhere between smelling a burn pit here and the meth back in Fort Huachuca.

We aren’t dead, but we are in hell.

NORFOLK, Va. — The U.S. Navy plans to reduce suicide in its ranks by monitoring sailors at all times, sources confirmed today.

“Not a moment will pass in a sailor’s life where they will not be under observation,” Vice Adm. Robert Burke, deputy chief of naval operations, told reporters. “Sailors will feel secure knowing there is always someone there keeping an eye on them. Whether you’re at work, at home, or asleep in your bed, rest assured the Navy is watching you.”

“Sailors are scared we will install security cameras in their homes,” Burke said. “But that is ridiculous. Instead, we’ll be using thermal cameras to see though their walls.”

The new plan, dubbed “America’s Navy: 100% On Watch” will be implemented next month. The Center For Naval Analyses determined it would be the most efficient way to address the problem of suicide without addressing any of the root causes, officials said.

“We have determined this is the only way to ensure our sailors are safe at all times,” said Burke. “It has many benefits beyond preventing suicide. Think about it. Showers are dangerous places, you could slip and fall and nobody would know. That is, unless there was a surveillance camera. Don’t worry, we are watching for your sake.”

The idea was tested among several focus groups, in which sailors with objections were told their opinions were wrong, Burke added. “This plan has a 100% approval rating across the Navy.”

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told a number of reporters that he “absolutely” wasn’t leaving his post at the Pentagon “any time soon” as he made his way out to his car with a large cardboard box, sources confirmed today.

“I wouldn’t take these stories seriously at all,” Mattis said of recent news stories speculating on his imminent departure from the Trump administration. “This stuff is all cooked up by the media just looking for a good story,” the former general added, before opening up his car’s trunk, which was filled with papers, photos, plaques, and other mementos that he removed from his office.

“I’m just, uh, bringing these back home so I can swap them out with other photos and trinkets that I want instead,” Mattis sheepishly told reporters, when questioned about all the suits hanging in his back seat as well as the various ‘good luck in retirement!’ greeting cards found strewn across his passenger side.

Rumors have swirled that President Donald Trump has soured on Mattis in recent months, apparently due to a number of private clashes over defense policy. The speculation has reached a fever pitch in recent days, especially after the publication of Bob Woodward’s book on the Trump administration, which reported the defense secretary compared Trump’s understanding of national security to a “fifth or six grader.”

“I really love fiction, which is absolutely what that book is,” Mattis said of the book, titled ‘Fear.’ “I never said those things of the President. Woodward got it 100% wrong. I said Trump had the understanding of a third or fourth grader.”

At press time, Mattis again denied that he was leaving his post after being confronted with updates he made earlier this week to his LinkedIn profile.

Lieutenant Dan contributed reporting.

Good Morning, Marines.

As the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps, it is my distinct privilege to lead and serve you in this unique and essential war-fighting organization. Despite the hardship of this position and the responsibility it entails, working alongside our dedicated Marines and Sailors has been one of my life’s greatest joys.

However, one thing has weighed heavily on my mind these past few years, a confession that needs to be made before God and man, alike. Fellow Marines, I, Gen. Robert Neller, am very tired.

I’m just exhausted. I’ve been doing this shit since 1975, and I’ve got to tell you, man, I’m pooped. I legitimately can’t remember the last time I slept. I think I took a nap in the Pentagon parking lot last week before a meeting with Dunford, but I’m really not sure.

I mean, what kind of shitty-ass job is this when I can’t let my head hit the fucking pillow without some cracked-out aide telling me a 28-year-old staff sergeant in Miramar texted a picture of his ding-dong to a lance corporal and now its on Reddit. What-the-literal-fuck, Marines?

Or how about this, the other night, I was having dinner with my wife — who, by the way, has seen me about four times in the past eight weeks — when I get a call from Gen. Berger, who’s like, hey Commandant, guess what, a 7-ton in Okinawa just crashed into a light pole, and now you have to speak to the fucking Japanese Prime Minister. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

Listen up idiots. I get it. This isn’t a zero-defect organization. Mistakes happen. I’m fucking tracking.

But you assholes — and I’m speaking to everyone subordinate to me, which is literally all of you — need to get your heads out of your buttholes, for… I don’t know… the next three hours.

Just let me rack out under my desk. I mean this. I will call a Marine Corps-wide safety stand down if it means I can take a nap.

Bottom line, Marines: It’s not easy at the top.

So next time you think about drinking and driving or smoking near a fuel pump or breaking into the amnesty box, please reconsider. Remember, protect what you’ve earned and let me sleep. If you have any questions, I’m in the fucking Global.

Gen. Robert Neller is the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps. Prior to his current assignment, he served as the Commander, Marine Forces Command from July 2014 to September 2015 and Commander, Marine Forces Central Command from September 2012 to June 2014. He hasn’t had a full eight hours of sleep since around 1997.

NELLIS AIR FORCE BASE — An Air Force drone pilot accidentally ejected from his Nevada office while flying an MQ-9 Reaper over southwestern Yemen, sources confirmed today.

“This morning, at 0900 hours, we lost 1st. Lt. Denton Link,” said Capt. Maria Lopez, an Air Force spokeswoman. “After he ejected through the ceiling of the Ground Control Station during an operation supporting the Global War on Terror. An investigation is underway to determine the cause of this terrible accident.”

With the call-sign “La-Z-Boy,” Link was well-liked in the Remotely Piloted Aircraft (RPA) community, and his death has set the elite group of aviators on edge.

“Well, people kept saying this might happen after we started installing those ejection seats around the office,” said squadron commander Col. Mike Lee. “Drone pilots don’t really need them, but it was the end of the fiscal year and the Air Force had a surplus.”

“We probably made a mistake there,” he added.

Numerous bystanders witnessed the incident, with the aftermath drawing crowds of onlookers from across the base.

“We’re just sitting in the truck in front of that building when all of the sudden we hear this loud-ass noise and see this scrawny, pasty looking kid flying through the air,” Mike Hatfield, of facility maintenance, told reporters. “Ceiling tiles and debris were trailing behind him. The dude made it all the way to the base swimming pool. It’s a real tragedy.”

Following this accident, the Air Force has prohibited ejecting indoors until its investigation is complete.

CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — A retired 82nd Airborne soldier who was once known for having the fastest two-mile run time in his battalion currently lives in a barn, horses confirmed today.

Thomas Chatterton, 32, of Clarksburg, entered basic training at Fort Benning in 2004, where instructors quickly noticed his speed and endurance on the track, said one horse who lives in the barn with Chatterton.

“We do three things around here. We run fast, eat oats, and we piss all over the floor. Anyone who wants to be a part of that, well, we’re happy to have you! Damn happy! We certainly don’t discriminate based on race, gender, orientation, or ability to take shits so big that a team of professionals has to come clean them up with snow shovels,” he said.

Chatterton got serious about running in middle school and remained dedicated in high school, according to his mother.

“Tommy was always a fast kid,” said Wendy Chatterton. “His 1600-meter time is still the state record for boys under 14. He went through the usual phases high school boys go through, you know. He grew his hair out into an enormous tail he could flap at flies, he slept standing up.”

She added: “I have to admit, though, we were somewhat surprised when he began soiling his pants wherever he was standing.”

Horses claim that Chatterton’s dedication has inspired them to be better competitors on the track.

“Tom’s an athlete through and through. Incredible focus,” said one horse who has raced with Chatterton. “Back at the barn, he’s the nicest guy you’ve ever met. But, the moment that gun goes off and all the other horses blow immediately past him, he’s all business.”

At 32 years old, Chatterton is a bit of an anomaly on the track, according to Crackling Thunder, a gray-spotted horse. Especially, he said, after a horrific trampling accident that occurred last year.

“The average life-span of a horse is about 25-30 years, so Tom’s really got guts to be mixing it up with these younger studs,” Thunder told reporters. “We take injuries pretty seriously here. They can mean life or death. After he got trampled that last time, I knew he was having some second thoughts.”

Video of the incident, which happened at the Hollywood Casino’s Charles Town Race Track near Charles Town, West Virginia, gained popularity after airing on America’s Funniest Home Videos, said one horse who was there.

“Oh, it was awful,” he said. “Here’s a competitor who only draws breath out of the love of the sport, and these jackals are putting slide whistle and boing-boing sound effects on the video of him getting trampled by 16 race horses charging at full speed? It makes me sick.”

Horses say that Chatterton wasn’t fazed by the incident, though, and his recovery has gone well.

Although he declined to speak to Duffel Blog reporters for this article, he did release a statement through his trainer, telling fans that any paper mail they send him is usually eaten or used as bedding by other horses.