The NSA Is Watching You Masturbate Right Now
YOUR HOME — You are among the millions currently being watched by intelligence analysts at the National Security Agency as you masturbate alone in your room, sources confirmed today.
Documents leaked by ex-NSA contractor Edward Snowden indicate that at this very moment, your webcam has been activated and has been taken over by NSA Director Gen. Keith Alexander, who is watching and judging you as you click on video clip after video clip of hardcore pornography across numerous websites.
“Oh, this looks interesting,” sources confirmed Gen. Alexander said from the upper study of his home in Alexandria, Va., as he jimmied his pants down to his ankles.
Multiple sources confirming details to Duffel Blog refused to be identified because they were not authorized to speak on-the-record, or they were embarrassed because they climaxed before you.
Like the unblinking red eye of Sauron, Alexander was hungrily fixated on your form and technique mere moments ago as you tired of a clip titled “Sexy Asian with hot ass DP’d” at Redtube and moved on to a POV blowjob clip at Beeg.
Despite initial skepticism, sources confirmed it was indeed you being watched — the person sitting in front of your computer, thinking your tracks were covered since you used an “Incognito” window in Google Chrome.
Matching your rhythm with his right hand, Alexander reportedly used his left to pull up his white undershirt to insert his stubby middle finger into his belly-button, finally climaxing with an audible groan. Sources confirmed Alexander then proceeded to lean in and run his tongue laterally across the surveillance monitor.
Once he climaxed, Alexander’s only complaint about his self-pleasuring session concerned the lighting in your room, Duffel Blog has learned.
“Those new ‘energy-efficient’ bulbs make everything look grainy on my screen. Incandescents were way better,” said a sweaty Alexander, as he zipped up his pants. “Thanks, big government.”
Duffel Blog reporters Ted Heller and Armydave contributed to this report. The Guardian’s Glenn Greenwald also contributed Skype video from Brazil and Spencer Ackerman contributed punk rock lyrics from Washington. The Washington Post’s Barton Gellman sulked in the corner while Laura Poitras videotaped the entire scene.