Marines Convert To Norse Paganism, Demand Horns And Wings On Helmets Lee Ho Fuk January 30, 2014 Marine Corps 50 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: CAMP LEJEUNE, NC — An entire rifle squad which has converted to Asatru, or Northern European Heathenry, has expressed disappointment in new Pentagon dress code requirements, claiming religious exemptions to military uniform standards are not inclusive enough. The Asatru devotees complain they are not allowed to wear their religious clothing in uniform unlike Sikh, Muslim, and Jewish members. Focused on historical Norse paganism, the Marines want to affix horns and wings on their helmets in order to accommodate individual expression of their beliefs. “It’s the only way Valkyrie can identify the Kindred if we fall righteously in battle,” said Sgt. Bram Gunbjorn, who serves as both squad leader and gothi (priest) of his squad of housescarls, otherwise known as 3rd Squad, Second Platoon, Charlie Company. The squad believes upon their worthy death in combat, the Valkyrie will lead them to Valhalla, the mythological hall presided over by Odin, the Allfather. “I think these clowns have been reading too many comic books,” said battalion Sgt. Maj. Mike Brooks. “There’s no actual historical evidence Vikings or any Northern European groups wore that garbage into battle.” Soon after the sergeant major made this statement, the horrified Marines submitted a complaint to their Equal Opportunity Officer on the grounds of religious intolerance. “We’ve already faced oppression from the Spartan lovers in 1st Platoon,” said Gunbjorn. “All they do is spear each other in the shower, and obsess over their abs. They’re godless swine. We’re seriously trying to prepare for Ragnarok and aid the Allfather against the scourge of the Jotnar.” The squad of pagans recently caused quite a stir when they captured and enslaved members from a rival platoon during a field exercise. Enthralling them in accordance with the rune carved upon the Turinge Stone, they forced the captured Marines to field day their barracks rooms and police call the parking lot. Further, Sgt. Gunbjorn and his squad are under investigation after dismembered remains of the battalion commander’s miniature poodle was found near the barracks. Navy investigators suspect the animal was ritually sacrificed in a macabre blot ceremony. The investigation continues despite an offering of $50 in weregild left in the battalion commanders office. “This is why we’re concerned about the new uniform policy, ” said Gunbjorn as he was gluing bull horns onto his kevlar helmet. “It does little to protect us from the whims of our commanders making it impossible for minority religious groups like ours to exercise spiritual liberties without any fear of recrimination.” Bill Grace says: August 17, 2014 at 9:43 AM I would also demand a daily mead ration: four or five gallons would be about right. Drew Shaw says: June 10, 2014 at 2:14 PM Sadly, none of the Christians reading this will figure out that their worship of Jewish mythology is just as ridiculous. Rick Perey says: May 16, 2014 at 4:09 AM Smh… Sophia Shapira says: May 15, 2014 at 9:24 PM Factoid — historical Vikings did not have horns on their helmets. That was an invention of a theatrical costume designer some time later in history. Ingrid Thomson Fuhriman says: May 12, 2014 at 7:10 PM Love it! As a Norse-person I see the well written satire piece as a protest against the stupid acceptance of non-uniforms with the head gear of other religions. Uniforms are meant to be uniform! Cut the PC crap. We are cutting back our military forces and don’t need those who will not conform to uniforms and other discipline. Richard Skinner says: April 28, 2014 at 9:54 AM Great story I love it ,you gotta love the Marines ..lol.. Scott Grimes says: April 25, 2014 at 1:09 AM Asatru army vet here… This was brilliant! Carla O'Neill says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM Lol Mike Jarrell says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM Wtf Merrilee Slaton says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM Hilarious, I loved every bit of it. Go for it Marines John Bennett says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM How long will it take for the Knights Templar to rise? Randy Eichelberger says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM If you think about it today’s military is a lot like the Vikings. We embark on voyages to distant lands, we loot (well not so much anymore…), we have traditions that outsiders may think are strange. The only difference is instead of raping those we conquer we’re raping our own. Jeannine Kajdi says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM I would rather see wings and horns on the helmets that the crap they about to give them. It is always ok for one set of people but not another. I agree, satire, but a good one. Only thing they could have left out was hurting an animal. I don’t think a real Marine would stoop to that level. Person yea, innocent dog nah! lol Freddie Rubalcava says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM I always state that most people feel alienated because we still have a vast majority of christian leaders, why not be free to express it if you truly believe it to be real? Gustav Anderson says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM As a real Norwegian descendant with viking ancestors I can say this is great, I feel bad for the dog but they did pay the weregild. No way are Christian or Muslim religious values greater then Asatru If you do your research most religion are parroted off of the older ones so that it would be easier to convert to the new way-Christmas is so a Scandinavian holiday. So Y cant theis Marines show their respect for Odin. As to what a Viking or Believer in Odin wore into battle is whatever he and his family could afford a sword was a very expensive weapon and only few vikings wore them the Berserk wore animal furs into battle if a Viking could afford horns on his helmet and metal armor he would have worn it. The horns would be turned down not up like most would think. Elisabeth Pearson says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM Although funny, am I the only one crying for the poodle being described as dismembered? Mike McPhantom says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM Real vikings never had horns on their helmets. that began as a famous opera costume and idiots got it confused. Gordon Mello says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM What a croc! We all should know the only true Gods are Greek. Damned people who want to be copy cats and think they can have their ‘own’ made up gods and they’re real. Steve Wilson says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM This is outrageous. That battalion commander should be executed via “Blood Eagle”. May Odin throw his godsless ass into Hel where he belongs. Stand strong, Asatruar. Drew Layda says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM I believe in Classical Mithraism. Mithra was great, he was virgin born around the winter solstice, had twelve followers (one of whom betrayed him for silver) he was executed around the spring equinox, or Easter if you will, by pinning, (like crucifixion to a tree, without the cross) I also believe in Isisism, all that stuff applied to him too… Jesus is just the most recent to have those claims made of him. (BTW followers of Mithra as well as Isis performed ritual ceremonies where flesh and wine where consumed by proxy of virtual hero-consumption… they didn’t call it communion though, but they did do it to pass the power of their deity to themselves, sound familiar?) All religions are similar in the fact that they are not science, nor are they history, nor are they based on things within the realm of possibility. My advice, go to school and stop being stupid… or at least stop spreading stupid. Justin Eiler says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM As satire, it’s amusing, but I must take exception to one element. No Marine on this planet would offer $50 in weregild for a miniature poodle. I don’t care how useful the hide may be for shining boots, $50 is just too much. Joe Chagnon says: February 25, 2014 at 11:55 PM I actually am an Asatru Marine…… Ed Hillenbrand says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM GENIUS! One of the best!. Brian Ruic says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM Best one yet! See if The Biebs gets a Mountie uniform when the judge sends him to PI. Steven R. Kurtz says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM The point is well made, if you give in to one group of lunatics…where does it stop. Betty Basche says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM THAT’S THE FUNNIEST THING I’VE HEARD IN A LONG TIME. WILL HAVE TO POST IT TO SOME OF MY VIKING FRIENDS AND ONES LIVING NEAR FT. BRAGG Breadli Carbohydrate Wheata says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM Hail Odin. The highest high king. Nathan Caeruleus Thrakos Schaefer says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM I don’t care if it’s a joke or not. It they are really going it they have a point Anonymous says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM As a Marine and a member of the Asatur religious grouping ( Forn Sedr actually) I find this fairly offensive, insulting actually. While I understand this is satire this goes against the entire principle of why we serve. The truth is when I served and had to declare a religious affiliation They kept giving me dog tags with Wiccan on it….likes like telling a Jew that his tags are marked Islamic because basically they are the same thing. But what I am calling bull shit to isn’t really any of this, its that People are given any special treatment in the Military. ITS THE FUCKING MILITARY, shut the fuck up grow a pair and adhere to the standards. Cut your fucking beards, go high and fucking tight but on your big boy pants and do your duty, this goes for you fucking women out there as well, this isn’t the fucking civi world, you want to be different go get a job at fucking Mcdonalds. You joined the Military , they set the standards not you. Not shut your mouth and carry on. Sean Whitenton says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM Great. We’ve bent over so far in the name of political correctness that a squad of marines is essentially operating completely outside of any chain of command and disregarding uniform regulations as well as common decency. I hope that they are held accountable for everything that they are doing, discipline cannot be allowed to bread completely down just so we can say we are being tolerant to all faiths. Joseph Diamond says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM Heed my warning, lads! Sure the blood rush and thrill of battle gets you going; can’t wait to get to sea….take treasure…slay the foe…return victorious having littered the field with defeated opponents. Having been there and done that I gotta share the down side……………..while there is still time………….before THEY awaken! We would come ashore out of the mist after the moon had gone. We got into the villages to the west. We took wenches…..nothing stopped us! We were warriors! So after a season of raids we had a pen full of wenches. They escaped. When we returned from a raid they got us. Penned us up while we were drunk. They made us cut the grass. We had to get rid of the dragon boat. Soon the horns had to go. We couldn’t go out on raids without permission. Bringing back trophy wenches was forbidden. We had to listen to them when they talked and have meaningful conversations about art and theater. Our swords got rusty. The only thing left was constant, wonton, shrieking sex. We are afraid to go to sea…might miss something. We are afraid to stay……..if we don’t make ‘em howl they could cut us off; make us feed the cats and pick out curtains. Beware! Joe John Sehler says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM Shit I thought Marines were horney anyway? Stephen Easley says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM It’s part satire and part real guys. There ARE Asatru there…I have met two and looking for more so we can have a Blot. If any of the kindred are reading this, please drop me a line. (I have Mead…hehehe) Micah Albrecht says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM Its only fair. TIL VALHALL!! Lowell Godfrey says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM “The Asatru devotees complain they are not allowed to wear their religious clothing in uniform unlike Sikh, Muslim, and Jewish members. Focused on historical Norse paganism, the Marines want to affix horns and wings on their helmets in order to accommodate individual expression of their beliefs.” As some who is an ordained Priest of Thor(Yes, we are real), and who has followed the Norse Way for over 2 decades, and who is a Viking-age re-enactor, I can speak to this. The ancient Norse/Viking warriors didn’t wear horns on their helmets. Period. If this article is TRUE, these young men need to do some more research. Also, the Valkyries will know the spirits of a Warrior when/if they fall on the field of battle. Whiskey Bravo says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM This isn’t a joke, it’s satire, which is much more clever. Well written, I say. Alex Dillard Klaus says: January 31, 2014 at 1:24 AM As a mythology buff and Marine, not only do I think this story is hilarious, but well written and accurate were it true. I always said that Marines were the fraternal successors to vikings since both are known to land their ship, get out and fuck shit up all around them. Mitchell Haaser says: January 30, 2014 at 9:39 AM vikings never had winged or horned helmets…. no where in period art or excavations have artifacts such as those been found. Adam Seale says: January 30, 2014 at 9:39 AM You all realize this is a joke, right? Keith Rowand says: January 30, 2014 at 9:39 AM Am I seeing 4/5 initial butthurt posts? Lee Ho Fuk wins the the troll-hammer! Kevin Winters says: January 30, 2014 at 9:39 AM So, let’s say a Marine was on I&I duty in Colorado Springs, CO… could he convert to Rastafarianism, smoke pot and grow dreads? Effin Hughes says: January 30, 2014 at 8:54 AM Outstanding! Jim Weaver says: January 30, 2014 at 8:54 AM It didn’t take long for manifestations of the Pentagon’s new relaxed uniform and appearance standards for “religious accommodation” to begin manifesting themselves. Erich Maria de Villiers says: January 30, 2014 at 7:09 AM What next ? The Marines who claim to be Spartan Ares worshipers won’t be allowed to wear their chitons around barracks ?