Hagel Names Woman As Next Marine Commandant G-Had January 2, 2014 Marine Corps 56 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: QUANTICO, VA — She’s been in combat, she wants to radically reorganize the Marine Corps, and she thinks male Marines need to stop whining and put their big girl panties on. This week we sat down for a one-on-one interview with Gen. Isabella Santiago, who sources at the Pentagon say is poised to become the Marine Corps’ first-ever woman commandant. Santiago will replace current commandant Gen. James Amos, whose term has been marred by a series of public relations fiascoes and scandals. While it is unusual for a commandant’s successor to be named this early, Pentagon sources say the recent photograph of Amos wearing a Raider patch was the last straw for Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, who quietly told the general it was time to move on. Gen. Santiago has a colorful history. Because of previous restrictions on women in combat positions, she received her initial commission as a Military Police Officer in 1974. She later transferred over to combat logistics, where she served during the Gulf War, as well as Operations Iraqi and Enduring Freedom. She came out of the War on Terror suffering from multiple concussions caused by IED attacks, which left her with a noticeable slur and case of Tourette syndrome that ended her brief posting as a Pentagon spokeswoman. For the past two years she has been assigned to the Marine Martial Arts Center for Excellence in Quantico, which in her words “is a great opportunity to beat some goddamned sense into all the new lieutenants hitting the fleet.” She received the posting, unusual for a four-star general, while NCIS concluded their investigation involving her three DUIs in Stafford and allegedly hitting an aide in the face with a whiskey bottle. With the DUI charges being dropped and the aide vanished without a trace, President Obama has already begun the long process of formally submitting her name to Congress. We started by asking Santiago if she thinks the Marine Corps is ready to be led by a woman, given the blatant hostility expressed by many male Marines towards the idea of women in the infantry. She paused to spit out another wad of dip into the Gatorade bottle on her desk, then responded, “Eat a bowl of unwashed dicks.” She then added that if we didn’t close our mouths she’d happily smash them shut with a brick. So we followed up on whether she would continue the most controversial decision of the Amos commandancy: no rolled sleeves. “Look, any commandant’s main effort has gotta be keeping us distinct from the Army,” she explained. “That’s why we’re fighting to keep MARPAT, and … that’s why I’m bringing back rolled sleeves. The bad news is that’s why I’m also keeping the tattoo restrictions in place.” When we asked how the two were related, she said, “I know some of you have been on Army bases, and seen soldiers who look like they escaped off the wall at some art museum. Now I love ink, and I’m finishing up a sweet new back tat, but if you’re not a Maori warrior you don’t need a tattoo crawling up your neck and across your fucking face.” “That’s also why we’re going to keep those mandatory grooming regulations for deployment, even though I know we’re all sick and tired of shaving our legs and armpits in a combat zone just so the boys can fap it off in a porta-a-shitter.” We then asked her opinion on female pull-ups, and physical fitness in general. “If I can do a 300 PFT, there’s no reason all my other sisters can’t,” Santiago said. “We’ve let a lot of weak bitches in under those standards who give the rest of us girls a bad rap. I’ve seen women who fall out of every unit run there is and still somehow manage to score a 260 every PFT. That’s bullshit! I know it’ll look bad if we have to relieve a bunch of [females] under a universal PFT, but I honestly fucking hate them more than you do.” “But let me tell you the real reason we need to abolish the female PFT score: right now there’s some fat-ass piece of trash who can barely do three pull-ups who still thinks he’s better than every female Marine in history because he’s got a dick. I’ve got a message for him: I’m going to cut off your dick AND your fucking balls, because you obviously don’t need them.” She gestured with the switchblade which she’d been absentmindedly opening and closing throughout our interview, prompting our next question, about last year’s controversial push for a universal cover. “If you’ve seriously got your silkies in a bunch over a fucking hat you’ve got bigger problems. When the hell are you even going to wear it if you’re always downrange? Shit, I’ve only worn my blues once, and that was because [Joe] Shusko bet I couldn’t beat him in a fight wearing them.” When we asked if Marines could also expect any changes to the Commandant’s Reading List, Santiago said that one of her first acts will be mandating the graphic novel 300 for all ranks, since it is much closer than First to Fight to the ethos of the modern Marine and because “most Marines can barely read the menu at Burger King.” We asked if there was anything else she wanted Marines to know. “Yeah, if you’ve never deployed, then fuck you. I’ve seen some of you 20-30 year motherfuckers slinking around without your [Iraq or Afghanistan campaign] medals. You think I don’t know why you’re wearing a tanker jacket on a Friday in fucking August? And it goes doubly for you skate bitches trying to sneak into Afghanistan this year for a ribbon and a blowjob at Camp Leatherneck. Submit for retirement before I throw you out.” Gen. Santiago will begin her nomination proceedings early in 2014, as soon as Gen. Amos has been officially confirmed as the next Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Duffel Blog Investigative Reporter Lee Ho Fuk also contributed to this report. Phil Herrin says: May 10, 2014 at 2:09 PM http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/satire Daniel Kane says: April 16, 2014 at 2:40 AM I can’t believe some people believed this. By some of the comments I read, some were scared to death. Steve Williams says: April 16, 2014 at 2:40 AM Is this a joke? Multiple concussions and that’s how she talks in a media interview? It’s one thing to be a strong no-BS leader, but she sounds unstable. I don’t recall Al Grey ever talking like this in public… Lenny Stover says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Out-freaking-standing!! Extremely well done and humorous. I can’t help but think…if she really had a mouth and an attitude like the ones portrayed, she would make a damned fine Commandant. Ooorah! George Lee says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM lmfao Bob Corsa says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM bull shit John P. Hoover says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM I’m in love. Michael Hasbun says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM I love this… Cody Davis says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM This is awesome : ) Tom Elizabeth Landry says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Thank god its all bullshit Calvin Snelling says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM so this is the ONION right? Chuck Doofé says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Still would do a better job than Amos. Joshua Mcclain says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM the united states sandwich corps Wesley Adams says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM These use to be funnier. Jay Shartzer says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Can’t… stop…. laughing….. Claire Rodriguez says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Just scuttlebutt for now… Sim’ma down, Chesty! Josh Noble says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM If she ever tried to pull that shit on me, I’d tell my mom. Jon Heintz says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Every time I see this site I keep forgetting what it is. Lol good one guys gave me a nice laugh! Anonymous says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Fuck, why couldn’t I have been in when she was in charge? Oo-motherfuckin’-rah! Donald L Hoikkala says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM The New Marine Corps ..Coming to Jar heads ..Are you ready for serious change She was a 5802 MP Officer.. Heather Guerin Barnett says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM The best part about this is that is MajGen Angela Salinas, USMC (Ret) in the photo. Joe Costello says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM It would be great if the navy had any Admiral with half the balls Gen Santiago has, even in satire! Daniel Peters says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM distinct from the army for sure…they gave out 171,000 bronze stars since 2001.. can you believe that? Chris Wertz says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Any alcohol related incident means you can not reenlist you freaking idiots! No special treatment Luis Brenes says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM FAKE! That woman in the picture is actually Major General Angela Salinas. But its still pretty funny and it would be nice for rolled sleeves to come back. Brad Axsom says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM SATIRE SATIRE SATIRE SATIRE. Every time someone thinks a duffleblog article is real another serviceman is RIFd. John Brown says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Is that female Major in the background named Mengelkoch (phonetically “mangle cock”)? I’m not sure if that’s the most fortunate or unfortunate name for a WM, but it’s certainly awesome. Sonas Boxers Ryan Walsh says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM I also read that Gen. Isabella Santiago said “I have more balls than that wuss Amos, and if he wants we can take it to the tree line and I’ll prove it to him”. Bazooka Joe says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM I’m gonna go ahead and reveal that I am Lee Ho Fuk’s brother – Ho Lee Fuk. Our parents were funny like that. Anyways, I refuse to ‘serve’ under this Marine. Of course, I am no longer AD, either. Yeah, I know – my point is moot. So would be Amos’ appointment to the Joint Chiefs. “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTIAGO!!” Ronald Lehmiller says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Nope I’m retired but I will put it like this . Anyone appointed by obama after all the defrocking that has all ready takin place over benghazi and everything else and to drum someone out for wearing a raiders an okland raiders patch ludacris totally preposterous after some of the things I’ve seen others do Steve Wilson says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Truth really is stranger than fiction. You just can’t make this stuff up. A hundred monkeys toiling away at typewriters for a million years couldn’t have come up with this! A proud tip ‘o the cover to yee, G-Had. Douglas Burdett says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM A couple of times while reading this I had to stop because I was laughing so hard. (She paused to spit out another wad of dip into the Gatorade bottle on her desk, then responded, “Eat a bowl of unwashed d..ks.”) Maciej Korzec says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM i dont know if most of you know what these people are saying by it being a satire story, let me break it down for those people who don’t seem to understand that word. Its bullshit, plain and simple. Its not real. Stop worrying. Ronald Lehmiller says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Well better not be an obama fuckin implant other than the hat thing -check you’re pract class maam and yes you do need to call me sir being professional the hats were distinguishable for two reasons do you know what they are which two outdated wars are they from and what years oh and you gonna try and change the marine corps hymm also . If any changes make the wms wear the male version not the other way around ……. Angel Rodriguez says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Took me a second to realize this was satire. Very well written post! LOL… Fred Ball says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Three DWIs and an assault on a junior office-just what we are looking for in a Marine Commandant. Steve Wilson says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM P.S. The Raider patch. Pure gold. Philip Molangi says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Hilarious. How could anyone read this think and it’s real. Zachary Walker says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Fake. That picture is of general salinas. There is no female general named santiago in the marine corps Tom Leonard says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM “Eat a bowl of unwashed dicks.” I love it. Spent 30 years in the Corps and I find this funny as shit. Joe Smithson says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM If this was real, I would be applauding. Not because I give a rat’s ass about what gender the CMC is, but she’s at least better than the Air Winger. Brett Weeks says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM I always knew that testosterone-charged, macho, Suribachi flag-raising, Chesty Puller attitude was just an act put on for the public. The truth comes out- the Marines (or should that be “Marinas”) are like every other 21st Century US Govt bureaucracy- dominated by a bunch of female “GI Janes”. Ronald Lehmiller says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM my apologies didn’t know it was a satirical I don’t take the views on this varied literally and as for the comments towards me you only have to look in a mirror and see what you’ve done as words poured out of your mouth I did not openly attack you or anybody else Ijust expressly pointed out my views in my feelings possibility that some of y’all have never serve overseas in a combat zone to those that did its something different and everyone has the right to express themselves so think about it Dave Herrington says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Totally love this, I knew a few hard charging WM’s back in my day that there was no way I was going to fuck with and no, not all of them stood up to pee. Like Laura said before me, the comments are going to be hilarious. Sometimes TDB makes too easy to snag the dumb asses and for that I thank them. Vince Vento says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM As much as I enjoy this satire they really missed the mark on this one… Our next commandant will probably be a supply officer! A female, minority, gay supply officer… (I didn’t miss anyone did I?) Danny Jones says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Holy shit, this has to be one of the funniest ones in some time!!! Tom Elizabeth Landry says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Wow so she is an unprofessional alcoholic who’s having her bad record swept under the carpet….if a woman is really gonna be commandant I’d expect it not to be some stuttering train wreck. And getting blown up in convoy is not combat…. Bryan Salas says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM I hope she brings back the Knife Hand. Norman Dvorak says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Boy, talk about a bad ass Marine. After a tour and a half in Vietnam and 11 months on Okinawa recuperating from wounds I elected to take an early discharge. That was in 1971 and at that time I never saw a WM in combat. There are some old timers like me who feel that women in combat would cause them to look out for the women and take more chances protecting them and end up getting themselves killed. Reading the interview with Gen. Isabella Santiago may just have changed my mind. She sounds as if she can take care of herself and the male Marines. Hoorah to the General. May she do well in her new role as Commandant of the United States marine Corps. Joe Fliel says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM The mere fact that more than a few commenters actually think that this is a bona fide story shows that the staff at DuffelBlog are doing their jobs writing top notch satirical pieces. It also says a lot about the sense of humor(or, lack of) of the clueless shitbags who take it seriously. Probably were REMF’s who wouldn’t know the difference between a good joke and an AR 190-11. Mike Taylor says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM “combat logistics”… Guy DeCou says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM Dear Chesty Puller in HEAVEN, if ONLY THIS WERE TRUE!! Allen Everett Richards says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM If nothing else she has the mouth to be the Marine Commandant. I did run across another another photo of Santiago check it out ( http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5d/Isabella_Santiago.jpg. ) Neil Ferguson says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM General Amos is the first female Commandant…and that’s not satire, sadly enough. Laura Eddings Parry says: February 15, 2014 at 8:24 PM I can’t wait for people to start linking to this on Facebook. Reading posts from people who are freaking the hell out is always amusing. What’s even funnier is when people don’t realize it’s satire.