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OPFOR

Kremlin Seized By Self-Loathing, Fear After Kafkaesque Putin Press Conference

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MOSCOW – President Vladimir Putin caused a stir of introspection and despair today during a press conference to state media when he commented that Russia respected Ukraine’s wishes to maintain their current leadership in an obfuscating speech before proceeding to kill himself in an elaborate torture device, sources confirmed.

“If [Ukraine] likes their old government — fascisti cuka — then they can keep it,” President Putin stated flatly, banging his clenched fist upon the mahogany table for emphasis before going on to obliquely contradict himself in a bizarre rambling oratory. “The Russian Federation agrees with the Maidan’s desire for change, and Russia will bring about the change that is needed. Unless of course Ukraine doesn’t want to alter, then Russia will change it anyway.”

The Russian President glared about the room, nostrils flaring slightly, before going on to say that “all will become one with Russia. Let’s remember what the United States did in Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya.”

“They sit there across the pond as if in a lab running all kinds of experiments on the rats,” Putin said. “Why would they do it? No one can explain it.”

“Mr. President,” a reporter asked meekly from the back row. “What about the presence of Russian troops in the Crimea?”

“I am glad you asked, that depends what you mean by Russian,” Putin replied, casually ordering that the reporter by locked in a small windowless cell with no room to sit down for daring to crinkle a plastic water bottle in his presence. “We are all Russian in our own way, all the peoples of the world. Look at former Soviet republics. You can go to a store and buy a uniform. Were these Russian soldiers? No, they’re very well-trained self-defense forces.”

“But the issue is!” Putin cut off another reporter before he could finish speaking and began to remove his clothing, not stopping until he returned to his seat entirely naked, “Our major concern is the orgy of nationalists, and extremists and anti-Semites on the streets of Kiev! Russia has always loved the Jewish people and their rich history. Have you seen degenerate American musical Fiddler on Roof? The Jews are so happy in Russia that they are always singing and dancing! Bring in the machine!”

Obediently, a pair of uniformed soldiers removed the press table and placed a large instrument resembling a spiked printing press before the president. “It’s a peculiar apparatus,” said Putin to the reporters, gazing with a certain admiration at the device, with which he was, of course, thoroughly familiar. “This machine inscribes the notes of a man’s crime upon his skin with polished needles until he expires,” Putin exclaimed, licking his lips in orgiastic ecstasy and clambering into the device. “At the very moment of expiration there is a shine of transcendence within the Condemned Man’s eyes. Strap me in!” he roared to the guards, who until that moment had viewed the proceedings in utter horror. “I must experience this for myself!”

“What shall we set the machine to write, your Excellency?” quavered the soldier nearest to the control mechanism. All present stood hushed, a sickly pallor like that of yellow newspaper seemed to fall over the macabre scene. Putin set himself upon the leather straps that would hold him against the grooved surface of the apparatus. Myriad steel points glistened coldly above his giving flesh like stars set into the night sky. “You shall write, ‘BE JUST!’” he commanded.

According to witnesses, the soldier waved to his companion and they ran over to strap him in. The latter had already stuck out his foot to kick the crank designed to set the inscriber in motion. Then he saw the two men coming. So he pulled his foot back and let himself be strapped in. But now he could no longer reach the crank. The reporters couldn’t find it, and the soldiers were determined not to touch it. But that was unnecessary. Hardly were the straps attached when the machine already started working. The bed quivered, the needles danced on his skin, and the harrow swung up and down. The nearest guard had already been staring for some time before he remembered that a wheel in the inscriber was supposed to squeak.

Everything was quiet, without the slightest audible hum. The soldier could discover no sign of the promised transfiguration. What all the Condemned Men had found in the machine, Putin had not. His lips were pressed firmly together, his eyes were open and looked as they had when he was alive, his gaze was calm and convinced. The tip of a large steel needle had gone through his forehead.

News

Rip It teases plan for GWOT 20-year-anniversary can

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PLANTATION, Fla. — Rip It Energy Drinks teased plans for a unique can design that honors the 20 year anniversary of the Global War on Terror and will be available in combat zones by late 2021, in a press release today.

“We want to go all out to impress our troops,” said head of Rip It marketing Dave Hughes. “Many of them have suffered significant injuries from either combat or the consumption of our product and deserve the very best.”

The design will reportedly incorporate significant amounts of symbolism. Included will be 20 stars the size and shape of the kidney stones the product bestows, which represents the number of years of the conflict (so far). Other design elements are said to include the American flag, a heart pumping at 220 beats per minute, and probably an eagle.

The limited release product will also include commemorative flavors such as Mission Accomplished Mango, Tropical Troop Surge, Quagmire Citrus, and Poorly Defined War Aims Berry Punch. All flavors will reportedly still contain methamphetamine levels of caffeine and maintain Rip It’s signature “left out on a pallet in the Middle Eastern sun” aftertaste.

The Rip It brand itself is almost as old as the conflict, having been introduced as a non-alcoholic Four Loco substitute for troops downrange in the first year of the war. Troops immediately recognized the drink’s excellence, commonly described as carbonated battery acid, as a pallet cleanser perfect for after smoking a cigarette and immediately before throwing in a dip.  The brand’s popularity rose further once troops realized that when pairing it with Otis Spunkmeyer muffins caused simultaneous diarrhea and constipation.

“These past 20 years have been amazing, and we can’t wait to see what the next 20 holds,” said Hughes.

Though the design has yet to be fully finalized, experts believe that with the right kind of support, this promotion could be as big as Green Bean’s annual “Christmas away from your family” holiday cups.

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Army

Veteran didn’t risk his life at Bagram Pizza Hut just to see U.S. and Taliban sign peace deal

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professional veteran

A local Army veteran expressed outrage this morning over talks of a U.S.-Taliban peace deal, saying he didn’t risk his life during a two-month deployment to Bagram Airbase “just to see the war end like this.”

Cody Bennett started his protest on social media after U.S. special representative for Afghanistan Zalmay Khalilzad began negotiations with the Taliban to end the war. As one of the “elite one percent” who join the military, Bennett says most Americans won’t understand his point of view, but somebody needs to speak truth to power.

“Me and my boys put too much on the line out there just to see these spineless politicians settle for peace,” said the former administrative clerk who was sent home early due to bone spurs suffered on the base gym’s elliptical machine. “Are my blood, sweat and tears worth nothing?”

Bennett claims that he and other veterans often had to combat issues like minimal selection at the base Pizza Hut as well as long lines and limited hours at the dining facility.

“A large pizza for sixteen dollars? I put my life on the line day in and day out, and they’re going to try to swill me for sixteen dollars? On top of that, they never use enough sauce,” said Bennett, who never came within 200 meters of the base’s perimeter and was administratively separated from the Army for being overweight.

“Those guys, the ones like me that held the line for their country despite slightly below average dining standards compared to middle-class American expectations, those are the true heroes,” he added. Don’t talk to me about peace or freedom until you’ve had to live through that hell.”

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News

American wife of ISIS militant uses power of attorney to empty husband’s bank account while he is deployed

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AL HAWL, Syria – Nour Muhammad, who made headlines when she left America to marry an ISIS fighter, arrived in Al Hawl today after cleaning out her husband’s bank account and sending him a “Dear Abdul” letter.

“He’s been deployed in Raqqa fighting the infidels for nearly five weeks. I couldn’t take another second alone,” Nour explained. “Luckily, he gave me a power of attorney at his Mujahideen Brigade’s legal stand down before they left, so I helped myself to all of his riyals.”

When she met her husband in the comment section of an Anwar al-Awlaki video, she never imagined that things would turn out this way.

“At first when we started chatting, things were pretty casual. But before long, we were talking every day and sending each other cute beheading videos,” she remembered with a smile. “He asked if I would fly to Turkey, sneak across the Syrian border with a human trafficker sympathetic to ISIS, and marry him. Of course I said yes. Who wouldn’t fall for a romantic gesture like that?”

But, before long, their relationship soured. Nour was horrified when the man she’d known and loved turned out to have a dark side. She “had always thought he was one of those kind, gentle, and responsible ISIS fighters.” She was shocked when he became abusive towards her.

“I thought he only did terrible things to Kurds, Shiites, westerners, and people who listen to music in public. I never imagined he’d turn on me,” Nour siad. The final straw was when he spent half their savings on a used Toyota Hi-Luxe with 20 percent APR payments without consulting her right before he deployed.

Nour was out of options. With nothing but the clothes on her back and every last cent of her former husband’s money, she packed up and walked out of the caliphate. If she ever makes it back to the U.S., she plans on leveraging the kitchen experience she picked up cooking at a variety of safe houses to land a saleswoman job with Pampered Chef.

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Army

Soldier avoids UCMJ by living inside amnesty box

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Photo Credit: Duffel Blog

BAGHDAD, Iraq — A soldier in Iraq is successfully avoiding the Uniform Code of Military Justice by living inside an amnesty box, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Ray Thomas, a communications specialist deployed to Camp Taji, began residing in the amnesty box after becoming the focus of a 15-6 investigation into unauthorized drinking on post.

“It came to light that Spc. Thomas, while intoxicated in direct violation of General Order No. 1, allowed a negligent discharge of his M4 rifle in his housing unit,” explained Maj. Robert Sandusky, the officer in charge of the investigation. “Unfortunately, when Spc. Thomas learned he was facing punishment that could include extra duty and/or reduction in rank, he just disappeared.”

Thomas was declared AWOL 36 hours later when base security contractors discovered him inside a 5’x5′ amnesty box near the post airfield, along with his sleeping bag, a log of Copenhagen, and a rucksack full of MREs, according to sources.

“That amnesty box is essentially a legal forcefield,” admitted Sandusky. “Therefore our investigation is on hold pending his emergence from said box.”

Prominent experts on military law begrudgingly praised Thomas’s legal acumen.

“It’s a brilliant move,” commented Lt. Col. Simon Curcio, an attorney for the Army’s Judge Advocate General. “Under the UCMJ, nothing inside an amnesty box is subject to punishment, so they can’t touch him. If he can hold out until he leaves theater, he’s home free.”

“He’s really got them over a barrel — or over a box, so to speak” he added. “But my question is, ‘where’s he relieving himself?’ You know what, never mind. Please don’t answer that.”

Soldiers on post say that despite the lack of latrine or running water, Thomas has remained in the box for six days and shows no inclination of leaving.

“Ironically, this shitbag move displays more creativity, initiative, and discipline than I’ve ever seen from Spc. Thomas,” said Sgt. Dominic Johnson, his former squad leader. “He should be recommended for promotion to E-5 if he doesn’t end up getting a GOMOR [General Officer Memorandum of Reprimand].”

Speaking from inside the amnesty box, Thomas said he has been busy making the most of his environment.

“It’s amazing what people just toss in here,” Thomas said. “Just in the last week, I’ve collected a baggie of cocaine, a smoke grenade, a vintage Penthouse from a care package, and two extra-large dildos, which I can use to weigh down the corners of my poncho.”

“Plus, I’m supplementing my diet by licking used candy wrappers,” he continued. “Those sort of make up for all the cigarette butts and dip spitters that fall on my head when I’m trying to sleep.”

It remains to be seen whether Thomas can hold out until his redeployment flight in April, but he remains confident.

“I’m in here for the long haul, man,” he said. “You know if I’m living off MREs I won’t have to shit for at least another month.”

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OPFOR

7 habits of highly effective suicide bombers

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Are you a suicide bomber aspirant struggling to succeed in today’s saturated market? Are you envious that everyone is calling Yusuf the “Damascus Dominator” because he courageously took out a room full of children with a suicide vest? We here at Duffel Blog understand that blowing yourself up can be a daunting, if not downright terrifying task. To help you achieve the guilt-free martyrdom that comes with murder, we’ve adapted Stephen R. Covey’s “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” in order to make sure that you go out with a bang.

  1. Be proactive — or in this case — proactively reactive! Don’t forget that an explosion is a chemical reaction, and chemical reactions can be finicky! If you don’t have the right combination of ingredients in your explosive vest, your career is going to fizzle pretty quickly. And speaking of being proactive, there’s no reason for you to wait for a private invitation from the shadow governor of Kandahar. Get out there and seize the opportunity to maim civilians in the name of Allah. That’s what a highly effective suicide bomber would do.
  2. Begin with the end in mind — or in this case — your end in mind! Take a moment to really visualize your end goal, the sound of your own body being torn apart by your misguided and deliberately misinterpreted faith. Really focus on it. The more clearly you can see the tarnishing of the world’s opinion of Islam, the more ironclad your resolve will be.
  3. Put first things first — or in this case — last things first! You’re going to die. Seriously, this is it. I hope you’re comfortable with that part because there’s nothing really in here that’s going to help with coping.
  4. Think win-win. Are there any creative ways that you can use your desire to become a suicide bomber to benefit other people and achieve your objective? We might suggest detonating yourself in a Twinkie factory, scattering that tasty cream for the whole world to enjoy. Barring that, you could, you know, not detonate yourself and become a contributing member of society instead. Your call!
  5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood — or in this case — blot out all other opinions by screaming “Allahu akbar” as loudly as you can!
  6. Synergize! To be totally honest, we’re not really sure what this word means, but we’re almost positive it applies to suicide bombing, and you should definitely do it!
  7. Sharpen the saw — or, in this case — the nails! Attaching sharp objects to yourself before detonation is a sure-fire way to sew even more chaos when you send yourself into the hereafter.

With these seven habits, your career as a suicide bomber is guarantee to be long (but also short), prosperous, and full of life (but also death). The most important thing is not to be discouraged — be highly effective!

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Miscellaneous

Syria totally pregnant after late US pull out

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ALLEPO, Syria – An angry and tearful Syria informed the international community today that it is most definitely pregnant, the result of a late pull-out by the U.S. after a long intercourse, sources confirmed today.

Syria’s news followed a White House announcement that as a result of an agreement with Turkey, the U.S. will withdraw military forces from Syria on a timeline being developed. Critics claim the withdrawal jeopardizes the Syrian Democratic Forces, which receive American military weapons and support.

“What bullshit. Since 2013, the U.S. was all like, ‘I really care about you,’ and ‘don’t worry I’ll be careful,’” Syria told reporters. “How was I supposed to know the U.S. would only stay in long enough to spawn a bunch of freedom fighters but pull out as soon as it got some international booty call offer from my thotty neighbor, Turkey?”

“Turkey acts like the queen bee around here because she thinks our father, the Ottoman Empire, loved her best like, 100 years ago,” Syria added. “Now thanks to her cozying up to America I’ll be left with a lot of children who are pissed off and heavily armed. And their deadbeat daddy’s initials are U.S.A.”

Foreign interventions require clear national goals, operations crafted to achieve defined objectives, and strategic considerations, according to foreign policy experts. Asked how many of these elements the US intervention in Syria included, Dr. Owen Killian at the Brookings Institution responded, “Pretty much none of them. The U.S. appears to have entered Syria with little planning about how long to stay, how to end the affair, or the impact of fucking around in the Middle East.”

“This basically shows all the forethought and follow through of a drunken frat boy,” Killian continued. “You can’t stop the biology of intervention. Disgorging forces into a country without protection almost always results in a lot of angry offspring, especially if Marines are involved.”

Syria said she regrets the affair.

“I should have seen this coming,” Syria said. “America pulled the same shit in 1984 when it withdrew from Lebanon, and that left the world with that psycho brat named Hezbollah.”

Although a contingent of French forces will remain in Syria, the American pullout raises the potential for competing powers to fill a regional power vacuum.

“Who’s going to help me raise these kids?” Syria asked. “That nut case ISIS will steal them in a Damascus minute if I turn my back. Russia and Iran are lurking around, but they’re creepy and crazy. China is always willing to send money, but that comes with a lot of strings. Only France seems to be really committed to sticking around.”

“Are you kidding me? France?” Syria added with a sigh. “Great. My kids are going to grow up to be fucking mimes.”

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Marine Corps

First Sergeant won’t let troops leave Syria until they fill out their leave chits

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Days after President Donald Trump announced he would be pulling all U.S. troops out of Syria, a Marine first sergeant on the ground has refused to let any of them leave until “every swingin’ dick” has filled out their leave chits, sources confirmed today.

“Hold on there, motivators. No one’s going anywhere until you all have a daggum hour-by-hour safety plan in place,” said 1st Sgt. Ray Thornton. “And there ain’t no way in hell the CO will approve these chits until squad leaders have inspected every friggin’ POV.”

Thornton stressed to the Marines that anyone planning to travel farther from Syria than the allowed 200-mile leave boundaries would need to have a special plan in place and would need to call CENTCOM every 24 hours to check in.

“I signed the wrong block on my leave chit, and now I’m stuck in Raqqah by myself until after New Years,” said Cpl. Ryan Payne. “This sucks!”

Within hours of Trump’s announcement on Wednesday, Thornton had the entire formation covered and aligned by the border to prepare to leave, but they ended up being stuck there for days waiting for the armory sight count to be up.

“Count it again!” shouted Thornton, enemy artillery rounds falling around the Marines. “And who the hell submitted this roster as an Excel spreadsheet? I asked for a PDF!”

At press time, all troops had been recalled to Syria for an emergency police call to find a missing canteen.

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Army

Afghans request US take action on growing feral drone problem

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KABUL, Afghanistan — Afghan President Ashraf Ghani issued a public call today for the U.S. to take action on the feral drones marauding the skies of eastern Afghanistan.

“When they escape these drones roost in our mountains and attack our vehicles and machinery,” Ghani said. “If the U.S. is serious about rebuilding the country for the future, they will act on this problem before it gets out of control.”

Abdul Jabbar Naeemi, the governor of Khost Province, claims that feral drones have destroyed over three hundred vehicles, essential infrastructure and some of the swankiest bed down locations in his province.

“It is becoming an infestation,” he said. “The Americans introduced these things to our land, they must do something about it before it is too late.”

Kabul University’s top Dronologist, Dr. Feroz Sherazi, said the problem has grown worse over the years because of the isolation of the Hindu Kush Mountains.

“There are no natural predators and tons of poppy and scrap metal,” he said. “It’s a perfect breeding ground. That’s why we are seeing entire nests develop hellfire missiles.”

Ghani’s cabinet has a proposal that asks for $8 billion over four years to wrangle all the drones onto a preserve in Badakhshan Province. Local aide workers will neuter the drones once they reach full maturity then administer a vaccination program to prevent rust accumulation.

The Taliban have also made action on feral drones a precondition for peace talks with the Afghan government along with the withdrawal of all foreign troops and the transfer of Justin Bieber into their custody.

For its part, the Pentagon maintains that it has complete control of every drone it has ever brought to Afghanistan, and the CIA issued a rebuttal that was completely redacted.

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