On Defense Cuts, Obama Just Comes Right Out And Says He Wants The Terrorists To Win Juice Box March 3, 2014 News 19 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: WASHINGTON — Confirming suspicions of Americans and Fox News contributors everywhere, Communist-in-Chief Barack Obama announced today that his plans to downsize the Defense Department in size and spending are singularly rooted in a heartfelt desire to allow the terrorists to win. “I’m doing this because I hate America,” Obama told reporters. “Plain and simple.” Indeed, last week, the president unveiled proposals that would shrink the Army to pre-World War II levels, slash a number of costly programs, and roll back some benefits to service members and their families. Speaking today from the White House briefing room, the president assured Americans that these proposals are strictly the result of a personal vendetta against freedom, one he hopes will pave the road for dozens of attacks on American soil in the years to come. “Honestly, it’s time we took a knee in the War on Terrorism,” the president said. “It’s getting old, and who’s to say the jihadists are really even all that bad? I mean, have any of us ever gotten to know a jihadist?” Addressing initial conjecture that the cuts could be designed to streamline a bloated military bureaucracy or enable financially responsible solutions to America’s failing schools, crumbling roads, and fractured social contract, the president was clear that this wasn’t the case at all and wondered aloud when anybody has ever known him to give a shit about wasteful government spending. “Forget all this talk of tough decisions in tough times,” Obama said. “This is the easiest decision I’ve made in years. I hate the military and, frankly, wouldn’t mind if all the soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines I’ll fire wound up homeless on the streets giving blow jobs for cups of coffee and half-eaten Big Macs.” “Oh, and is now a good time to finally tell you I’m a Muslim?” Despite the hard line he’s drawn in enacting the proposed cuts, the president will face stiff opposition from Republican fear-mongers, who love our men and women in uniform and would never dream of using them as cheap political tools. “What I need to hear from the president is how he plans to carry on simultaneous wars in Iran, Russia, China, and North Korea if we accept these cuts,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), who faces zero challengers in his state’s GOP primary later this year. “How does he really expect to duplicate our decisive victories in Iraq and Afghanistan with just 440,000 troops?” Enjoying a good, old-fashioned American hot dog in his office on the Hill, Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-S.C.), who sources say has no designs whatsoever to run for president in 2016, told Duffel Blog he would actually seek to expand the Defense Department’s budget in order to finance more jet fighter programs and parades for each and every service member on the books, “even the Air Force.” At press time, President Obama could not be reached for further comment, having retired to the Oval Office for evening prayer and a conference call with Chuck Hagel and Mullah Omar. Administration officials assured reporters, though, that the president was already hard at work devising ways to further cripple military effectiveness, including relaxed PT standards for women wanting to be SEALs, no-shave chits for Army fatties, and rolled sleeves for Marines everywhere. Don't miss the next story.Get the latest news and alerts from Duffel Blog delivered to your inbox—free. Short URL: http://duffelblog.com/uuwq8 Chun Jiang says: June 4, 2014 at 3:28 PM Well, at least he is honest Andy Quezada says: June 4, 2014 at 12:43 PM This shit’s better than The Onion… Michael Bouldin says: June 4, 2014 at 9:28 AM Oh my God, this is awesome Bernie Cross says: May 17, 2014 at 12:55 AM More lies about the President being a secret Muslim or genuine Christian or born in Kenya. All lies. The simple truth is that even being half black in meaningless to him. The only thing that matters to him is that he is a true Communist to his very core. Jonn Lilyea says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM He’d still get re-elected. John Sehler says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM Obama just might have put his nuts in a Republican Vice over these statements. Nick Mueller says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM Way to troll the trolls Duffel Blog Dave Herrington says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM Fucking epic, this is the best TDB ever and will go into the TDB hall of fame on first balloting. Jim Frazier says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM I wish this were actually true, because the threat of the military following their chain of command instead of their sworn duty to the Constitution is the only thing keeping the muslim socialist in power. Tray Chronister says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM All hell to the comadore and chef Donnie Swan says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM Time to get ride of this asshole! Ryan Neville says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM At this point half my goal in reading DB stories is seeing if I can correctly guess the author. I had this one pegged as G-Had….. Basing this mostly on the capitalization of the M in Marine. But then Juice Box hit me with an M. night twist. Well played DB. John Brown says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM But no mention of the Scientology-controlled Zionist NSA puppet masters trying to mandate bible burnings in public schools and take away Christmas and New Years? And what about the robots and illegal Canadian immigrants who conspired in 9/11? Skynet is active, but I’ve got my tinfoil barracks cover on, so all good… Joe Bunda says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM No surprises in this story. Judith Taggart says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM I thought this site was supposed to exaggerate, spoof, be funny. Guess I will have to read the Huffington Post fo laughs. Matthew W Sinkhorn says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM Had to do a double take again. Between the “Obama orders UAV strike on Putin” story and this story, I have trouble believing TDB is still just a satire site. James Steinberg says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM I think it’s funny that people think this is satirizing the President. It’s satirizing the people who call him “Muslim dictator-in-chief”. Way to troll the trolls, TDB. Douglas Nelson Stevenson says: April 1, 2014 at 5:09 PM Is this no longer a satire site?