WASHINGTON — Confirming suspicions of Americans and Fox News contributors everywhere, Communist-in-Chief Barack Obama announced today that his plans to downsize the Defense Department in size and spending are singularly rooted in a heartfelt desire to allow the terrorists to win.
“I’m doing this because I hate America,” Obama told reporters. “Plain and simple.”
Indeed, last week, the president unveiled proposals that would shrink the Army to pre-World War II levels, slash a number of costly programs, and roll back some benefits to service members and their families. Speaking today from the White House briefing room, the president assured Americans that these proposals are strictly the result of a personal vendetta against freedom, one he hopes will pave the road for dozens of attacks on American soil in the years to come.
“Honestly, it’s time we took a knee in the War on Terrorism,” the president said. “It’s getting old, and who’s to say the jihadists are really even all that bad? I mean, have any of us ever gotten to know a jihadist?”
Addressing initial conjecture that the cuts could be designed to streamline a bloated military bureaucracy or enable financially responsible solutions to America’s failing schools, crumbling roads, and fractured social contract, the president was clear that this wasn’t the case at all and wondered aloud when anybody has ever known him to give a shit about wasteful government spending.
“Forget all this talk of tough decisions in tough times,” Obama said. “This is the easiest decision I’ve made in years. I hate the military and, frankly, wouldn’t mind if all the soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines I’ll fire wound up homeless on the streets giving blow jobs for cups of coffee and half-eaten Big Macs.”
“Oh, and is now a good time to finally tell you I’m a Muslim?”
Despite the hard line he’s drawn in enacting the proposed cuts, the president will face stiff opposition from Republican fear-mongers, who love our men and women in uniform and would never dream of using them as cheap political tools.
“What I need to hear from the president is how he plans to carry on simultaneous wars in Iran, Russia, China, and North Korea if we accept these cuts,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), who faces zero challengers in his state’s GOP primary later this year. “How does he really expect to duplicate our decisive victories in Iraq and Afghanistan with just 440,000 troops?”
Enjoying a good, old-fashioned American hot dog in his office on the Hill, Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-S.C.), who sources say has no designs whatsoever to run for president in 2016, told Duffel Blog he would actually seek to expand the Defense Department’s budget in order to finance more jet fighter programs and parades for each and every service member on the books, “even the Air Force.”
At press time, President Obama could not be reached for further comment, having retired to the Oval Office for evening prayer and a conference call with Chuck Hagel and Mullah Omar. Administration officials assured reporters, though, that the president was already hard at work devising ways to further cripple military effectiveness, including relaxed PT standards for women wanting to be SEALs, no-shave chits for Army fatties, and rolled sleeves for Marines everywhere.