WASHINGTON, D.C. — Troops from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force told Congress on Wednesday that general officers were willing to sacrifice portions of their caviar rations, personal assistants, limousine drivers, and golf courses if it meant improving training and equipment needed for the rest of the military.
“We feel these cuts will provide us with the right training and equipment,” said Marine Lance Cpl. Eric Smaltz. “We’ll be able to improve our quality of life through more suicide awareness training, sexual assault classes, and motorcycle safety. Basically anything that involves PowerPoint is what we’re looking for. It’s why we signed up after all.”
The enlisted members told a House subcommittee that generals won’t complain about cuts to the entourages of chauffeurs, chefs, hot nubile aides, private jets, motorcades, $100,000 salaries, and harems of mistresses which can cost up to a million dollars for every admiral and general.
“If the top brass could sacrifice their tee time and spend it pressing their own uniforms it would bolster readiness and modernization,” said Army Specialist Teresa Brawn. “We can’t afford to lower training standards in defense of renovating their palatial homes or maintaining their chauffeured government vehicles.”
Troops who offered testimony before the subcommittee could not name any generals who actually feel this way and could only offer anecdotal perceptions of what they thought generals felt, maybe.
“I never really got to ask any admirals if they wanted to give up anything,” admitted Seaman Leroy Rogan. “I mean, they’re way up there in the ward room all the time or on Mount Olympus or something. We’ve got more admirals than ships in the Navy so they must be doing really important stuff instead of actually talking to sailors.”
Cutting unwarranted perks will increase discipline among flag officers, the troops claim.
“I believe it will raise discipline across the entire military,” said Airman Tim McGinty. “If the generals have better spending habits, they won’t be so wasteful and entitlement-based. We need to slow the growth of their quality of life before it affects our ability to win wars.”
Following their testimony to lawmakers, the troops were ushered into the Pentagon to receive NJP awards for their remarks.