Troops Say Generals Understand Need For Cuts To Aides, Personal Drivers, And Golf Courses Lee Ho Fuk April 24, 2014 News 51 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: WASHINGTON, D.C. — Troops from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force told Congress on Wednesday that general officers were willing to sacrifice portions of their caviar rations, personal assistants, limousine drivers, and golf courses if it meant improving training and equipment needed for the rest of the military. “We feel these cuts will provide us with the right training and equipment,” said Marine Lance Cpl. Eric Smaltz. “We’ll be able to improve our quality of life through more suicide awareness training, sexual assault classes, and motorcycle safety. Basically anything that involves PowerPoint is what we’re looking for. It’s why we signed up after all.” The enlisted members told a House subcommittee that generals won’t complain about cuts to the entourages of chauffeurs, chefs, hot nubile aides, private jets, motorcades, $100,000 salaries, and harems of mistresses which can cost up to a million dollars for every admiral and general. “If the top brass could sacrifice their tee time and spend it pressing their own uniforms it would bolster readiness and modernization,” said Army Specialist Teresa Brawn. “We can’t afford to lower training standards in defense of renovating their palatial homes or maintaining their chauffeured government vehicles.” Troops who offered testimony before the subcommittee could not name any generals who actually feel this way and could only offer anecdotal perceptions of what they thought generals felt, maybe. “I never really got to ask any admirals if they wanted to give up anything,” admitted Seaman Leroy Rogan. “I mean, they’re way up there in the ward room all the time or on Mount Olympus or something. We’ve got more admirals than ships in the Navy so they must be doing really important stuff instead of actually talking to sailors.” Cutting unwarranted perks will increase discipline among flag officers, the troops claim. “I believe it will raise discipline across the entire military,” said Airman Tim McGinty. “If the generals have better spending habits, they won’t be so wasteful and entitlement-based. We need to slow the growth of their quality of life before it affects our ability to win wars.” Following their testimony to lawmakers, the troops were ushered into the Pentagon to receive NJP awards for their remarks. Don't miss the next story.Get the latest news and alerts from Duffel Blog delivered to your inbox—free. Short URL: http://duffelblog.com/T91Qy Simon Jay Webster says: April 28, 2014 at 6:54 PM STOP CONFUSING US WITH THE TRUTH !! LOL Tom NG says: April 27, 2014 at 1:39 PM I want one of the hot nubile aides, with extra boobage. Thank you. Holly Zorra says: April 26, 2014 at 7:54 AM I think it should start at the very top! CHIEF DoD, the President! Samantha Breeze Woodward says: April 25, 2014 at 7:09 PM Everyone should print this out and send it to their representatives. This is perfect. Stephen W. Kammerer says: April 25, 2014 at 10:55 AM good one, Duffel Blog Hudson PA says: April 25, 2014 at 10:55 AM Should have include ORF in the satire…maybe next time. Kelly Hamilton says: April 25, 2014 at 9:39 AM First time reader. As good as “The Onion.” Rick Mikesell says: April 25, 2014 at 9:24 AM We really need more up-armored golf carts tho ! Elan Spector says: April 25, 2014 at 7:24 AM I started laughing at “Lance Corporal” and didn’t stop until the article was over… Bryan Sweebe says: April 25, 2014 at 12:09 AM The sad part is that this is exactly what the Generals did before Congress, knowing that no troops support cutting their pay and benefits just so we can have the F-35. The Generals lied to Congress and said the troops did support the cuts. I doubt that they asked anyone below E-9. Todd McMillin says: April 25, 2014 at 12:09 AM While this is clearly a tongue-in-cheek response to the 5 Sided Wind Tunnel’s Upper Brass to Congressional Inquiry over pay cuts. One wonders if they actually stopped spending nearly 58% of the annual NDAA nearly Trillion Dollar budget on non-essential items. Here’s a few items to be slashed from the NDAA Budget: Personalized golf carts; personal chefs at private dinners with defense contractors; usage of VIP Helicopter Service from HCS-22; private, armored vehicles with PMCs drivers/bodyguards; building 30+ brand new aircraft and sending them to boneyard rather than assigning them to DHS Coast Guard or other governmental agencies like the DEA or even the US Marshal’s Air Service. Also, they could always shut down all the non-critical bases like: Naval Station Key West (aka Club Med) where Upper Brass, Congress critters, and lobbyists talk about using defense funding over hot nubile Congressional aides buttocks with cocaine and tequila. James L. Hawkins says: April 24, 2014 at 9:10 PM Rank has it’s privileges. Louis Camacho says: April 24, 2014 at 8:40 PM This guy in the pic E2? Jeff Lilyea says: April 24, 2014 at 7:39 PM Congressmen didn’t volunteer giving up anything,did they? Lol Jeff Lilyea says: April 24, 2014 at 7:25 PM Congressmen didn’t volunteer giving up anything,did they? Lol Mel Shafer says: April 24, 2014 at 7:25 PM Heresy! These aren’t perks, they’re mission essential requirements. Dan Widge says: April 24, 2014 at 7:25 PM I can’t wait til’ some dumbass in congress reads this and thinks it’s a good idea. Well, shit, it is a good idea. For the nitpickers and sharp shooters, it’s OK to spell Sergeant anyway somebody wants as long as they served…. Chris Casanova says: April 24, 2014 at 6:40 PM In other news, Lcpl Smaltz is pending Court Martial… Aaron Haas says: April 24, 2014 at 6:40 PM This is a great response to the higher-ups saing that the enlisted folks wouldn’t mind taking pay cuts. I’m really glad they did this! Took some balls, too! Jess Levens says: April 24, 2014 at 4:54 PM Stellar! Afghan A Bannanastand says: April 24, 2014 at 4:54 PM Laugh laugh…..no, wait….. Michael Cornwell says: April 24, 2014 at 3:39 PM This is epic! James Freed says: April 24, 2014 at 3:39 PM How about VIP quarters on every Air Force Base only for Col or General officers and above. Top of the line furniture and a sign in book. Or for a conference where over 100 officers would attend having the protocol folks go into every room prior to make sure the toilets flushed, TV worked and hairdryers were operating Scott Wassermann says: April 24, 2014 at 2:24 PM Brilliant! Christopher Wadsworth says: April 24, 2014 at 2:24 PM Seriously grow up. NJP for telling the truth. They received NJP for putting out everything that the admirals truly do. Christian Sinclair Waggoner says: April 24, 2014 at 1:54 PM I like how Duffel Blog is going for more subtle humor lately as opposed to the absurd approach. I like both, but the glut of people who aren’t in on the joke adds more lulz. Jeremy Hilton says: April 24, 2014 at 1:00 PM http://usmclife.com/2014/04/make-military-voice-heard-stop-budget-cuts-today/ Michael Rains says: April 24, 2014 at 12:39 PM Lmao Bill Treadway says: April 24, 2014 at 11:54 AM Really funny in a rte ally painful sorta way. Should be required reading for O6 and up… maybe all the way up to 1600 Pennsylvania? Jimmy Sullivan says: April 24, 2014 at 11:54 AM Now THIS is a masterpiece. I wonder if SMMC Barrett is going to tweet that this is his favorite Duffel Blog post, like he did for that sellout Terminal Lance strip on the same subject? Freddy Whitmire says: April 24, 2014 at 11:39 AM Who knew scathing satire could achieve such beautiful perfection? Jason Sessoms says: April 24, 2014 at 11:24 AM written by lee ho fuk and given njp awards after…..ROFL Rick Cook says: April 24, 2014 at 11:24 AM Absolutely Brilliant! My only complaint: Why wasn’t this published 2 weeks ago? Larry Fleisher says: April 24, 2014 at 11:09 AM coffee is running outta my nose..if i didn’t know that this is satire i could believe it James Gorman says: April 24, 2014 at 10:54 AM or we start at the top and get rid of some of these “undesirables”. http://www.militarycorruption.com/ James Gorman says: April 24, 2014 at 10:54 AM It’s been said for years, that we have too many Flag Officers. But they want to focus cuts to Captains and SSG’s? Those Captains were the ones who were LT’s leading troops through the war. Not just hanging out at the Pentagon or a Garrison. And those SSG were young PFC’s to SGT’s getting deployed, sometimes multiple times. But now the war is over and many will just be kicked out. http://truth-out.org/opinion/item/5920:the-pentagons-biggest-overrun-way-too-many-generals James Gorman says: April 24, 2014 at 10:39 AM http://www.usnews.com/opinion/blogs/world-report/2013/07/24/the-pentagon-has-too-many-troops James Gorman says: April 24, 2014 at 10:39 AM http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2013/11/05/does-the-military-have-too-many-generals/military-should-trim-the-top-like-most-innovative-organizations Brendan Smith says: April 24, 2014 at 10:39 AM Someone should forward this to the Sargent Major of the Marine Corps. Martin K Andrew says: April 24, 2014 at 10:09 AM Truer words…. Joshua Leviton says: April 24, 2014 at 10:09 AM slowclap.gif Michael Hasbun says: April 24, 2014 at 10:09 AM Brilliant.. Almost transcends satire.. Enrique Leonardo says: April 24, 2014 at 9:55 AM Oh fuck!!! Steve Stroup says: April 24, 2014 at 8:54 AM This is a work of art! Jay Reardon says: April 24, 2014 at 8:54 AM Beautiful. Jeff Aziz says: April 24, 2014 at 8:09 AM Funny as hell!