This Memorial Day, Gold Star Mothers Can Save Up To 60%!

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THE MALL — Memorial Day doesn’t just mean the start of summer. It’s also a chance to cash in on the sacrifices in blood made by your loved ones!

Now through Tuesday, come on down to your local consumer emporium, and get blown away by an improvised explosive SAVINGS device!

If you come in with a death certificate for a child in the armed forces, you can save up to 60% off the latest electronics, including smart phones, tablets, and phablets. Don’t worry! Our low prices won’t maim your pocketbook!

If you served in the military, we also want to help you. All grills are 15% off with a valid military ID card. Show your purple heart or other commendation to receive an additional 10% off! (Sorry, offer not valid for bronze stars.)

Feeling suicidal? Don’t jump off a lame old bridge. Check out Marty’s Gun Superstore and go out in style! We’ve got great discounts on shotguns — all you need is your VA identification card to qualify.

We can also match your disability rating from the VA! Lost a leg? We’ll chop 30% off our already low, low prices! Traumatic brain injury? Talk to one of our reps for “special” pricing.

Hank’s Butcher Shop is offering bulk, freshly ground sausage to service members at a price so low it will give you PTSD! Fire up that grill with JP-8! Smells like victory!

If your husband or wife didn’t make it home, Floppy’s Mattresses can help you by offering as much as 50% off on a fresh start — twin beds to replace that depressing old queen size you used to share with someone.

Finally, Crazy Hal’s used cars will be offering moms and dads of veterans prices that are almost suicidal. Almost!

Show you support the troops and their sacrifice by coming out to the Memorial Day mega-sale!

Our discounts have never sunk so low!

SEE ALSO: I’ll Back Out Of My Parking Space As Slow As I Goddamn Please >

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