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VA: Please Hold. You Should Hang Up And Just Watch Cat Videos Instead

We appreciate you holding. The VA is experiencing a higher-than-average volume of calls this week. Calls are answered in the order they are received. Someone should be able to assist you in [ONE] minutes.

From the lakes of Minnesota … to the hills of Tennessee …

Did you know that you can check the status of your claim by going online? Point your browser to w-w-w dot claims dot veterans dot medical dot va dot gov, forward-slash medical, forward-slash veterans, forward-slash claims, forward-slash 404 dot vagov dot current, forward-slash aspx dot com, forward-slash va.gov, forward-slash 404.html##.

Across the plains of Texas! From sea to shining sea …

Your call is important to us. Someone should be able to assist you in [ONE] minutes with your call about [INVALID MENU ENTRY].

From Detroit down to Houston … from New York to L.A. …

A claims representative should be with you [SHORTLY]. Your call is important to us. Just hang up and kill yourself. Someone should be able to assist you in [ONE] minutes.

Well there’s pride in every American heart, and it’s time we stand and saaaaaay…

You selected menu option [INVALID MENU ENTRY]. Please have your claim number and social security number on hand when you speak with the claims representative. You should just hang up and watch cat videos and leave us alone. Your call is very important to us. Someone should be able to assist you in [ONE] minutes.

And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free …

We appreciate you holding. Did you know you can check the status of your claim by presenting yourself in person to your local VA claims center? Just hang up, go to your local VA claims center, and sit in our waiting room. Current in-person wait time is approximately [DEATH] hours.

And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me …

Your call is extremely important to us. If this is an emergency or if you are having suicidal thoughts, please hang up and dial 911. Make sure you have your claim number, your social security number, and a sharp paring knife on hand while you wait for a suicide prevention specialist. Someone should be able to assist you in [ONE] minutes.

And I gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today …

We appreciate you holding off killing yourself. The VA is experiencing a higher-than-average it’s hopeless, just end it all this week. Calls are answered in the order they are sweet release of death. Someone should be able to assist you in [ONE] minutes.

Cause they’re ain’t no doubt I love this land…God bless the U.S.A…

Paul and Jay contributed to this article.

SEE ALSO: Veterans Affairs Hires 27,000 Additional Workers To Procrastinate, Collect Paycheck >

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Leslie Fish
Guest
2 years 8 days ago
Hey, I know a trick for getting the VA to hurry up and take care of you; call 911 and get taken to the emergency ward of another hospital. Once you’ve checked in, tell them you’re a vet. The other hospital will either try to foist you off on the VA — and they can batter down the doors better than you can — or they’ll try to collect $$ for your treatment from the fed. govt., whereupon the VA will come running to claim you. That’s what happened to my cousin Frank; he had a heart-attack and was sent… Read more »
Darryl Sanchez
Guest
2 years 8 days ago

I found this both hilarious and disillusioning at the same time. I’m sure not ALL VA employees are like that, but the scandal over the health administration and long lines of dying veterans waiting for care is absolutely disgusting. Sure it’s bureaucracy to process claims, but when employees are procrastinating and not seeing veterans because of their 40 hour work week (which they could easily extend in order to treat more patients), someone needs to restructure the goddamn system. Vets fought for our country. Give them the services they deserve.

Scott Boyle
Guest
2 years 8 days ago

The best satire has an ounce (or sometimes a gallon) of truth to it. Sadly, this piece is brilliant satire.

Karla Hall
Guest
2 years 9 days ago
Shut the fuck up. Almost all va employees bust their ass. What all this bs doesnt tell you is that combat wounded are taken care of immediately. It is theb Bs claims that have to follow the letter of the law that includes a 13 page letter etc. The law. Not the va. Lets talk the newly retired service member that claims 132 issues. Really? 132 claimed disability issues? Should either be dead or retired on disability. Dont believe the shit you hear. The bogus claims are creating the backlog. If they werent bogus they could be done quicker. Talk… Read more »
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