WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to top Pentagon officials, American military units around the globe have launched into inaction following news that radical militants of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIS) had seized several major Iraqi cities and were on the move towards Baghdad.
“Each and every service member has been alerted to stay in their home or workplace and do nothing,” said one senior defense official. “Further, all leadership is under strict orders to let any talk of Iraq go in one ear and out the other.”
Indeed, always ready to answer the call of an ambivalent nation in need, America's soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines are reportedly hard at work throwing boots on desks, reposting half-read articles about the crisis on Facebook, and disinterestedly mentioning news of the country they fought eight years to protect in passing to one another before moving on to more pressing topics of conversation, like weekend plans or personal reviews of summer blockbusters.
"Huh," mustered 1st Sgt. Joey Nelson of Fort Drum, New York, noticing a CNN banner-head declaring the ill-preparedness of Iraqi Security Forces to meet the Islamist threat. "Always said that place was a shithole."
Nelson, who deployed four times to Iraq's Al Anbar Province and was awarded the Bronze Star Medal for heroism in combat, says he and his 10th Mountain Division cohorts are hurriedly preparing for the coming months of fishing, boating, and "soaking up the rays."
"Should be a great summer," Nelson said, calculatedly avoiding mention of the Sunni militant offensive that could bring Iraq to its knees.
At Fort Campbell, Kentucky, soldiers of the storied 101st Airborne Division are rushing to stage the necessary equipment and supplies for the annual Independence Day barbecue, which sources say should coincide perfectly with the fall of an Iraqi city or two they battled tirelessly to secure just a couple years ago. Elsewhere, members of the Army Special Forces and Navy SEAL communities are said to be taking a more proactive approach to non-readiness, putting down the last beers they'll need to forget the Arabic language entirely.
"It's really inspiring, the collective non-response our men and women in uniform can pull together on such a short timeline," hailed Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, who says his own reaction to the fall of Mosul and Kirkuk was a "big old alligator-yawn."
While Defense officials appear united in their bored indifference to Iraq, some in Congress have criticized the non-response for being not disinterested enough. Leading Democrats, for instance, insist they haven't given a shit for nearly a decade, with Republicans claiming they would fail to act in a different way.
In any case, it's all good training, according to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Martin Dempsey, who says troops will need to be practiced in this sort of rapid inaction to meet the challenges of a post-war environment.
"Especially in a year or two, when we'll all sit idly by as Afghanistan falls to the Taliban," Dempsey said.