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Dress Debate: 27 Beheadings, As Arguments Turn Deadly

WASHINGTON — The global debate about the color of a dress has turned violent today, with reports of death and mayhem pouring in from around the world.

Video has appeared online from the ISIS-controlled, Iraqi city of Mosul showing the beheading of 27 people dressed in black and blue dresses, with the narrator stating, “The heretics falsely claim[ed] with the Crusader Zionists that the dress was white and gold.”

On Instagram, Russian President Vladimir Putin posted shirtless pictures of himself posing next to a display purporting to show Ukrainian journalists photoshopping the Lavender and Blue dress to make it appear yellow and gold. Independent analysts have determined that the image of Ukrainian journalists in the display is actually a previously unknown photo of the Beatles from around the recording of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

A Vietnamese Coast Guard spokesman reports that one of their vessels exchanged naval gunfire with a Russian-built, Kirov class fishing trawler, after China renamed the Spratly Islands “Gold and White Dress Rocks.”

On the Korean peninsula, news agencies report that North Korean artillery has taken Yeonpyeong Island under sustained artillery fire, after it was reported on Twitter that South Korean troops there were erecting a giant billboard with a picture of a black and blue dress on North Korean first Lady Ri Sol-Ju. Ri Sol-Ju told reporters earlier in the day the dress “is obviously white and gold, in the same way it is obvious my husband is a god.”

Wire reports indicate the United States was not immune to the controversy. Aerial wargames exercises at Nellis AFB involving fighter aircraft from the US Navy and Air Force turned deadly yesterday, after F-15s from MacDill AFB used live Sidewinder missiles in a dogfight with F-18s from VFA-34 (“Blue Blasters”). An argument started the night before in the Nellis Officers’ Club, with Air Force pilots insisting the naval aviators must believe the dress was grey, “because all Navy pilots are colorblind, otherwise they’d have tried to join the Air Force,” according to witnesses.

President Obama has scheduled a 5pm news conference where he will address the controversy. White House sources indicate the president will deny that the dress is Islamic, will condemn “dress extremism,” and may state his belief that it is actually black and gold.

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