QUANTICO, Va. — A human turd, the location of which baffled Secret Service, Marines and presidential staffers for years, surfaced this morning during scheduled maintenance of Marine One, Duffel Blog has learned. The turd, suspected to have been shat in 2000 by then-First Lady Hillary Clinton, was never found and was a legend among those who served the president in the years to follow.
On Sunday however, HMX-1 maintenance staff say the turd finally revealed itself after it dropped onto a white hangar floor at Naval Air Station Patuxent River, Md.
“I suppose it’s been hanging there above the holding tanks for the last 15 years,” claimed Sikorsky engineer Benjamin Kelly. “I can’t quite figure out the trajectory, but the best I can come up with is the First Lady just kind of had an explosion, and it went sideways and stuck.”
Eric York, a former Marine staff sergeant and HMX-1 crew chief, claims he knew it was there all along. York, who was present for the infamous flight where Hillary Clinton entered the on-board bathroom for a prolonged period, initially thought she may have been sick.
“It was a short flight,” said York. “But when we landed she stayed inside for a couple more minutes, and then finally walked out with a smug look on her face. I knew then what she’d done.” For York, Hillary had done what he had never seen any passenger do aboard the aircraft, and probably no crew chief before or after either.
For years HMX-1 crew say rumors circulated about a Marine finding the turd and trying to sell it on eBay. On Sunday, however, rumors subsided and made way for the truth: Hillary shit on her husband’s aircraft.
The turd has yet to make a public appearance and refused to address speculation about a possible 2016 Presidential bid. However, a spokesperson for Clinton did release a statement claiming the turd “did not speak for the presidential candidate, despite its strong biological ties to her.”