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Soldier Hospitalized After Masturbating With CLP

FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — After complaining that his “dick pipe closed up,” Pvt. Eric Draughter was admitted to Blanchfield Army Community Hospital early Wednesday where he was diagnosed with having Cleaner, Lubricant, and Protectant (CLP) in his urethra.

“CLP, a solvent for stripping firing residue from weapons, is not meant for human consumption or use as a personal lubricant,” said Dr. Russell Beckham, while holding back tears of what was likely laughter.

A source at Blanchfield told Duffel Blog that Draughter could barely walk when he stumbled through the emergency room doors around 2:00 am on Wednesday.

“We all thought he snorted too much Viagra and had a four hour red rocket. Boy, were we wrong,” said the source. The source brought Draughter into an examination room where the young soldier dropped his JNCO jeans and began to frantically tell an incoherent story about how he was “rubbing one out to some barracks cooze with gun lube.” The source reported that Draughter used CLP as lubricant because one of his squadmates said it would lead to a “good release.”

As is Blanchfield protocol, Draughter was rodded for 30 minutes in order to clear the blockage during which he lost consciousness three times.

“Draughter will make a full recovery after a week of soreness and painful urination,” the source said. The source went on to say that Draughter had been put on a three week “no crank down profile” and that the entire Medical Protection System (MEDPROS) malfunctioned after updating his file.

“God damnit, why couldn’t that kid use spit like everyone else?” said 1st Sgt. Stephen Doucer, the soldier’s company first sergeant. “You gotta be fist fucking me with this numbskull.”

Sources said Doucer later muttered under his breath about wanting to suck-start his M4 and then proceeded to write down notes for Friday’s upcoming safety brief on safe personal lubricants.

At press time, the brigade commander was seeking a compassionate reassignment for Draughter, after concluding that “no one would want to go to a war with a kid who can’t even jerk off correctly.”

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