FORT CARSON, Colo. — Spc. Sam DeLoach has been charged with thirty-two counts of illegal possession and use of controlled narcotics, but has asked a military judge to dismiss the charges because the urine is not actually his own, according to his attorney.
“Jenna Beerly gave me her piss because I had been smoking weed,” DeLoach said in a written statement. “Just ask her.”
DeLoach, an outspoken marijuana advocate, was randomly selected for the ninth consecutive time to take the urinalysis test last Monday.
“Do a DNA test on the pee or whatever, but don’t send me to jail for no ten years, man!” his statement concluded.
Spc. Jenna Beerly has confirmed DeLoach’s allegation, and the dozens of powerful opiates match the legitimate prescriptions Beerly uses to treat her shin splints.
"I didn't want him to get busted for weed," Beerly reportedly told friends.
Regardless, DeLoach’s commander has decided to proceed with charging DeLoach as if the urine were his.
“You snort the line, you do the time!” DeLoach’s commander was heard shouting during the press conference, despite the fact that DeLoach had not tested positive for cocaine.
The observer for the urinalysis, 1st Sgt. Fred Michaels, stands with the commander.
“I specifically remember paying attention to Specialist DeLoach’s turn, and he definitely peed in the cup,” Michaels told Duffel Blog.
“He let me know that his junk was so small that he had to put the cup and his hand inside his pants to reach it, but I never looked away from the rest of his arm the entire time.”
DeLoach’s platoon sergeant, Sgt. 1st Class Bo Humphries, suggested as usual that the command team and the lower enlisted perspectives are both ‘total ass-hattery.’
“I positively believe Beerly just gave DeLoach the pharmaceuticals, and that’s his real urination,” speculated Humphries in a sworn testimony.
“At least, that’s the hypothesis that would damnify them all the most,” Humphries inexplicably added to his sworn statement.
Michaels conceded the possibility. “After the Warrior Leaders Course, other students did tell me Beerly was giving DeLoach answers on the tests, but in the end it didn’t matter, because they were the only two that failed the final exam."
Once the narcotics were found in the sample, the testers looked deeper for any other indicators in the urine, such as barbiturates or steroids.
The results came back negative, in fact showing that DeLoach’s testosterone was abnormally low, confirming the "small junk" theory posed by Michaels.
The unit is unclear on how to proceed, as any jail time DeLoach serves will be interrupted by his newly-discovered pregnancy.