FORT BENNING — In response to the growing criticisms surrounding Genetically Modified Organisms (GMOs), the Army has teamed up with long-time sustainability champion Whole Foods to offer organic, Non-GMO soldiers produced straight from infantry training, according to a press release from the food giant.

As part of this new farm-to-battlefield effort to offer infantry troops without harmful genetic modification, the Army has agreed to cease controversial practices regarding the planting, fertilizing, and harvesting of soldiers and replace them with more sustainable alternatives. For example, recruits’ DNA will no longer be spliced with that of kodiak bears to make them more aggressive, and artillerymen will no longer be given humps “just for looks.”

“It’s really been an educational process,” post Command Sgt. Maj. Ted Guffin said. “We really had no idea that cloning soldiers or giving them giant bat wings to replace parachutes was harmful to them. Whole Foods has really opened our eyes to a lot of things.”