UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, Texas- A soldier participating in Jade Helm is disappointed to learn the military is not actually imposing martial law and taking over Texas, sources confirmed.
Sergeant 1st Class James Peterson, an elite special operator taking part in one of the largest SOCOM training exercises on US soil, expressed his disappointment that Jade Helm is an actual training exercise. “I was super stoked when we got off the bird in Lubbock. I’ve been listening to Alex Jones for weeks, and it finally felt like it was really going to happen this time,” said Peterson.
Friends close to Peterson stated that he’s “always been ready to help install Obama as the first Fuehrer of America,” friend Abby Sawyer said. “He really bought into the Fox News rhetoric calling the President a Nazi. I don’t think he understands that Fox News is kind of like Nickelodeon for right-wing adults. It keeps them entertained but doesn’t really offer anything of substance.”
According to Peterson, Texas is the worst state in the Union and would make logical sense to be the first taken over. “You know, I [expletive] hate Texas. It’s like someone vomited fake country bullshit all over the place with all the boots and giant hats and especially the whole ‘everything’s bigger in Texas,'” Peterson said.
Peterson continued, “You know what’s bigger there? The people. If we had actually gone through with it I would love to see one of these fatties try to outrun my decked out dune buggy.”
Public distrust of the exercise in Texas led the Governor to deploy the State Guard to monitor the training and reassure his citizens that the Federal troops had no ill-intentions. “They really think that would stop anything? Those State Guard guys think we’re cool as hell. I bet you if I let one play with all this decked out gear we’d have him flexi-cuffing his family in no time,” said Peterson.
Others in Peterson’s unit find his political views a little “out there” but report he is an otherwise standup soldier. “Peterson’s one of the best operators on the team,” said one of his team members.
The team member continued, “He’s always on point and ready to do what’s got to be done, whether that’s jumping out of a chinook into freezing cold water or rounding up innocent civilians to ship them off to FEMA detention camps.”
While Peterson reports being depressed the takeover isn’t real, he’s still hopeful for the training exercise taking place in Biloxi, Mississippi. “Mississippi? What a drain on America. We’d be doing everyone a favor by wiping out that [poop] stain of a star on the American flag,” said Peterson.
At presstime, a Texas State Guard Colonel and Sergeant Major acting as observers were seen joy riding SOCOM dirt bikes through the desert.