BEIJING — In the wake of the massive data breach that led to millions of security clearance applications to be transmitted to China, Beijing has announced that they are holding open applications for U.S. intelligence personnel.
“The application process will be easy,” Zhang San Li Si, the Chinese architect of the project, said during a press conference that was forcibly broadcast via classified US intelligence computer systems. “We already have your SF-86s and we also have the Office of Personnel Management’s evaluation of them. All you really need to do is download this PDF to your desktop and click ‘open.’ Don’t forget to email it to all of your friends!”
The call for applications has resulted in a scramble throughout the U.S. Intelligence Community as IT and HR departments work together to try and simultaneously stem the tide of malware and stop the hemorrhaging of qualified intelligence personnel.
“We need to emphasize that there are actual, no-kidding laws that prohibit anyone from working for a foreign intelligence agency,” Katherine Archuleta, director of OPM said in a statement. “At least two of them. Maybe three. Anyway, have you even seen what Chinese healthcare is like?”
Not everyone however, was convinced that loyalty to the United States outweighed the chance for a steady job.
“I dunno, it seems like a good deal to me,” Capt. Malcolm Berns, a U.S. Air Force intelligence officer, said in an interview with Duffel Blog. “Do you have any idea how long it took me to get my U.S. clearance? Two years, start to finish, and I had to go get a blood sample from everyone I had ever spoken to in the last fifteen years. I’m pretty sure I contracted hepatitis, and then OPM lost my goddamn application.”
“If accepted — and you will be accepted — you can expect a competitive salary and the absolute guarantee that you will not be shot by our agents after we grant you asylum,” San Li Si continued, the video showing him holding a copy of someone’s military medical records. “We will even book your flight for you and make sure the in-flight meal is gluten free, since we also know you have celiac disease.”
“No need to send us your credit card information,” San Li Si said. “We’ll just use the one you saved in your Orbitz profile.”