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NSA Launches ‘Revenge Porn Site’

FORT MEADE, Md. — With the declassification of nearly all of the National Security Agency’s metadata following the expiration of the Patriot Act, the government agency announced today that they had released all the data on a new website, naughtysecurity.com.

The website is being described by fans and critics alike as “the world’s largest revenge porn site,” with advocates noting that “NSA has found a goldmine that they’re going to capitalize on,” as Douglas Federmine of Bloomberg Business put it.

“With budget cuts and sequestration this is the perfect time to launch our premium website,” NSA spokesperson Shelly Lambert told the Duffel Blog.

Instead of anonymously browsing the metadata for free, users must set up an account and choose from multiple package options. The packages range in price from the 50GB, $9.99/month basic package, to the expensive but popular the $199.99/year “Edward Snowden” package, which includes unlimited browsing and downloads.

“Looking for your neighbors’ swingers party videos because you weren’t invited?” Lambert asked. “Want to find your ex-boyfriend’s dick pics or ex-girlfriend’s nude selfies? Lost all your porn when your hard drive crashed? Want a nude picture of that girl from accounting? You can find all that and more at our website!”

Lambert demonstrated by showing a nude image of herself with a sex toy, harvested from her ex-boyfriend’s smartphone. “I sent it to his wife,” she said with a smile.

According to early projections the website is on pace to sell nearly $1 billion in subscriptions this month alone. Due to the release of millions of e-mails and text messages detailing seedy affairs and rendezvous NSA analysts believe there will be a 81 percent increase in the divorce rate and as much as a 53 percent increase in STD and paternity test rates.

However, these rates are not worrying the NSA.

According to Lambert, “Our experts predicted these externalities. When you look at the big picture this project will create jobs. With a constant stream of data we need people to sift through  and catalog it. The jump in divorce rates alone will generate billions in revenue for divorce lawyers, alimony and child support, apartment leases, couples counseling and bail payments.”

And with the all the revenue generated off the federal budget, the NSA has freed itself from unnecessary restraints on its mission to keep America secure.

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