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Marines Issue Policy For Off-Duty Personnel To Cover Heads With Bags

QUANTICO, Va. — Following a terrible mass-shooting at a Marine Reserve Center last Thursday, the Marine Corps has vowed to take swift protective measures including a policy that will issue bags for all off-duty Marines to cover their heads with.

The new policy, discussed in MARADMIN 365/15, not only prohibits all Marines, including recruiters, from wearing their uniforms off-base, but also instructs them to cover their heads with a large bag which prevents personal identification. All commands are initially instructed to disseminate money valuable bags, sandbags (preferably empty), or paper bags to all personnel to ensure immediate compliance.

Col. Elizabeth Thompson, a spokesperson for Headquarters Marine Corps, said the move is necessary to ensure that Marines remain safe and vigilant, whether they are being shot at on the battlefield or just shot at in their own office.

“While we know many active-duty Marines were hoping for relaxed policies on open- and concealed-carry, we really feel that the ‘bag-over-the-head’ is more practical given the limitations of our budgets and operating forces.”

According to Thompson, increasing the quota of armed duty officers simply wasn’t practical, due to both the large numbers of Marines lacking pistol qualification and a severe shortage of M9 pistols, popular among deployed officers and staff noncommissioned officers too lazy to carry their M4 carbine to the chow hall.

Thompson also mentioned the very real possibility of frequent negligent discharges caused by those unqualified Marines, highlighting a recent study showing the average Marine suffers as many as fifteen negligent discharges over their entire career, or just one if the barrel is pointing the wrong way.

The final straw was that Headquarters Marine Corps decided many recruiting centers were classified as school zones and fell under the Gun-Free School Zones Act of 1990, because of the large presence of desperate soon-to-be-unemployed students trying to enlist and their equally desperate girlfriends trying to have sex with the recruiters.

“We also looked into hiring a large number of private contractors,” Thompson added, “but since they’re only authorized to use deadly force if they feel threatened we worried about an armed assailant driving up to a post, giving them a hug and some chocolates, and then driving past to shoot up the place.”

Headquarters Marine Corps has already issue two addendums to its new bag policy, one prohibiting Marines in southern states from wearing white bags with eye-holes due to “historical issues,” and the other in response to Twentynine Palms accidentally issuing all its Marines large plastic bags to put on their heads.

The MARADMIN applies to all Marines both in the U.S. and abroad. Marines detailed to the Marine Security Guard (MSG) program are encouraged to wear a bag or sack which best approximates local dress and cultural values.

The policy will remain in place until the Uniform Board can field a standard all-purpose unisex digital camouflage tactical headbag which ensures complete uniformity and marks the wearer as a Marine to all civilians and potential terrorists.

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