QUANTICO, Va. — Following a terrible mass-shooting at a Marine Reserve Center last Thursday, the Marine Corps has vowed to take swift protective measures including a policy that will issue bags for all off-duty Marines to cover their heads with.

The new policy, discussed in MARADMIN 365/15, not only prohibits all Marines, including recruiters, from wearing their uniforms off-base, but also instructs them to cover their heads with a large bag which prevents personal identification. All commands are initially instructed to disseminate money valuable bags, sandbags (preferably empty), or paper bags to all personnel to ensure immediate compliance.

Col. Elizabeth Thompson, a spokesperson for Headquarters Marine Corps, said the move is necessary to ensure that Marines remain safe and vigilant, whether they are being shot at on the battlefield or just shot at in their own office.

"While we know many active-duty Marines were hoping for relaxed policies on open- and concealed-carry, we really feel that the 'bag-over-the-head' is more practical given the limitations of our budgets and operating forces."

According to Thompson, increasing the quota of armed duty officers simply wasn't practical, due to both the large numbers of Marines lacking pistol qualification and a severe shortage of M9 pistols, popular among deployed officers and staff noncommissioned officers too lazy to carry their M4 carbine to the chow hall.

Thompson also mentioned the very real possibility of frequent negligent discharges caused by those unqualified Marines, highlighting a recent study showing the average Marine suffers as many as fifteen negligent discharges over their entire career, or just one if the barrel is pointing the wrong way.