New VFW Study Estimates More Than 15 Billion Enemy Dead Since 1776
WESTLAND, Mich. — The members of Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW) Post 3323 concluded a ground-breaking analysis at approximately 2 a.m. Saturday morning regarding the number of “freedom-hating, pinko-commie fuckfaces” mowed down in the name of liberty, Duffel Blog has learned.
The study, which VFW leadership calls a “balanced and objective report” leaving the clubhouse of the quaint, suburban post in Southeastern Michigan in fiery ruins, puts the number of U.S. enemy dead at approximately 15 billion.
Grace Melton, bartender and de facto leader of the expert panel, told VFW Magazine how she performed the remarkable feat, utilizing her unique skill-set managing temperamental and egocentric veterans to gain valuable insight into the last 225 years of conflicts.
"It all started when four of our regulars were bellied up for the day," Melton said in her interview. "Ted Szymanski launched into his fortnightly Budweiser-induced 15 minute flashback of killing 467 VC with 'nothing but a got-damned P38 can opener.' It kind of took on a life of its own from there."
As other members began to one-up Szymanski, Melton started keeping track. After roughly 20 minutes of staunch debate and bloody memoirs, Melton was shocked to see she had tallied nearly 23 million enemy dead from the Gulf War and Grenada alone.
"That is when it hit me: No one, to my knowledge, had ever attempted to quantify the number of U.S. enemy dead in one study, let alone one night. And who better to conduct the study than our illustrious membership through their firsthand, secondhand, and extremely reliable third-hand reports?"
After printing out a list of all 96 conflicts from Wikipedia's "List of wars involving the United States," she and anyone who showed up to the clubhouse between 3 p.m. Friday afternoon and 2 a.m Saturday morning worked non-stop painstakingly chronicling the exploits of service members from generations past. Discussions raged until closing time, resulting in several fisticuffs — especially around whether or not Master Commandant Richard Somers killed any Barbary Corsairs during the explosion of the Intrepid in the First Barbary War or whether the United States was officially a combatant during the Taiping Rebellion of 1850.
"We really vetted our sources, omitting items that were not technically U.S. conflicts," senior researcher and WWII veteran Harry Schaumberg told Duffel Blog. "Like when Coast Guard 'veteran' George Freeman tried to count his [medical evacuation] training goats as casualties. Or Cold War veteran — is that a real fucking thing? — Craig Monken tried to sneak-in the total global casualties from the movie 'Independence Day.'"
"And Jesus H. Christ don't even get us started on Benghazi again," Schaumberg exclaimed.
Given the success and record participation of the study, reporters asked if a similar study could be done to identify the number of noncombatants killed in U.S. conflicts over the same time period.
"Why do you hate America?" Schaumberg replied.