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Ultra-Efficient Personnel Officer Loses Leave Request Forms Faster Than Ever

FORT HOOD, Texas — Just a few short days after completing the Adjutant General Officer Basic Course, Army 1st Lt. George McAllister is already earning accolades as the personnel officer for a Fort Hood based combined arms battalion by losing leave forms faster than any of his predecessors.

While previous S-1’s for the battalion usually waited until the moment soldiers attempted to sign out for block leave to inform them that their DA-31 forms were nowhere to be found, McAllister is already exceeding standards by ensuring that such gross disregard for the personal lives of soldiers would occur even before their paperwork reaches his desk, according to sources.

“McAllister may be the most efficient personnel officer I’ve ever had,” said Lt. Col. Bill Griffin, the battalion commander.

According to senior officials, McAllister also requires soldiers requesting any form of personnel action to be accompanied by both their platoon sergeant and platoon leader. The pioneering policy is but one example of a number of newly instituted changes designed to discourage any paperwork whatsoever from actually making it to his office for processing.

“Honestly, while you knuckle-draggers were out earning Ranger tabs or spending 12 months smokin’ and jokin’ in Afghanistan, I spent every weekday from 0830 to 1630 learning how to be the best Adjutant General Uncle Sam has ever seen,” McAllister, an officer with no combat deployments and a letter of reprimand for a negligent discharge during basic course, told reporters before adding: “I made the Commandant’s List at AG school. They don’t just hand that certificate out to everyone who attends like it is some kind of Combat Infantrymen or Combat Action Badge. Commandant’s List actually means something, but I wouldn’t expect these combat arms guys to understand.”

As part of McAllister’s drive to more efficiently misplace, reject, or otherwise just not give a fuck about the personnel needs of the unit, he successfully forced the battalion commander to agree to his demand that every company in the battalion hold formation at the S1 shop next Thursday at 1300 to submit individual leave forms for the upcoming block leave.

McAllister acknowledged that having more than 800 members of the battalion lined up outside of his office for “a little while” might make him unpopular “with the Joes,” but he further noted it was a “necessary evil.”

“After all,” he said. “How else is the S-1 shop supposed to fuck up nearly every leave packet in the battalion during the five weeks we have between now and the start of block leave?”

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