WASHINGTON, DC — Officials at the Pentagon are stunned after an internal report revealed that the U.S. detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was originally created as part of an elaborate plan by military and government employees to kidnap attractive Middle Eastern males and then fondle their genitals and buttocks.

According to the report, the targets were selected by the ringleader, a highly-placed official in the Office of the Secretary of Defense, who had accomplices and fellow perpetrators in the Justice Department and Intelligence community. They reviewed satellite and other localized imagery, and tasked national assets, including human intelligence collectors on the ground with locating attractive men to abduct and molest.

Victims were sold to the group by various kidnapping rings in the Middle East, foreign governments, or sometimes even directly abducted by U.S. special forces who presumably had no idea why they were rounding suspiciously large numbers of attractive men.

The decade-long scheme only recently came to light after military investigators interviewed several dozen detainees who had been cleared for release and returned to their home countries.