New ‘Gender Neutral’ Latrines Will Require Troops To Sit While They Pee

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WASHINGTON — In an effort to pave the way for gender integration in infantry combat roles, Pentagon officials announced the acquisition of new gender neutral porta-potties specifically designed to only be used while in a seated position.

With deadlines looming, the military’s top brass have struggled to eliminate gender restrictions ever since former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta’s stunning decision to change the longstanding rule excluding women from serving in combat roles.

Gender equity has also been the signature issue of Navy Secretary Ray Mabus, who has long insisted that neutral policies across the board are necessary to truly integrate women in the armed forces.

“We are ending the way we segregate urination,” Mabus said. “Rather than highlighting differences in our ranks or ‘equipment,’ we will incorporate our troops in a safe, non-binary method of relieving themselves, which will not highlight or give an advantage to any specific gender.”

Military engineers began by shortening the standard 88-inch height of porta-potties to 55 inches, requiring the occupant to sit in order use the restroom. The new design also includes decorative finger tip towels and fancy soap.

“In the Navy and Marine Corps, we are moving towards sanitary conditions that don’t divide us as male or female,” said Mabus. “This will unite us as sailors and Marines whose crap pretty much stinks the same.”

Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Miley insists the new porta-potties will not lower standards. “We still expect soldiers to get their piss in the pot and not all over the floor,” said Miley. “Besides, this makes it a lot easier to text when I take a leak.”

The Air Force had no comment on the proposed change, according to a spokesman, who told reporters everyone in the service “already squats to pee.”

Reaction from the ranks has not been as positive as from the top leadership.

“What do mean I’m not supposed to use the decorative soap?” said Marine Gunnery Sgt. Bob Reynolds. “Screw this, I’m just going to piss in the tree line.”