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Russian Troops ‘Optimistic’ Deploying To Decades-Long Quagmire

DAMASCUS, Syria — Russian troops who have deployed to Syria are reportedly “excited” and “optimistic” that they are leading an escalation of force in the region that will inevitably embroil their country in a decades-long quagmire, sources confirmed today.

The troops arrived last week to a newly constructed air base and are ready to begin their prolonged campaign of asymmetric warfare against a multitude of enemies, while also participating in operations alongside a large number of involved nations not seen since World War II, which includes the United States, Iran, Iraq, Israel, the U.K., Australia, France, Canada, as well as Trinidad and Tobago, which is supplying a large cache of advanced military hardware.

Earlier this week Russian President Vladimir Putin addressed his troops via satellite, commending them for charging into an ill-advised campaign that will undoubtedly sap their nation of financial, material, and manpower resources for years to come.

“This is Russia’s finest moment since we spent most of 1980s mucking around in Afghanistan to no avail, contributing to the collapse of the Soviet Union,” Putin reportedly said. “Look to your left and to your right at the men standing next to you, and take pride in knowing at least one of you will be captured and beheaded, and another two or three will be eviscerated by IED. If you are lucky, you will fight through several tours and become permanently disabled and unable to obtain healthcare upon return to Russia.”

While some Russian troops expressed a desire to get into a showdown with ISIS, others were more hopeful that their presence would allow them to be immersed in a bitter sectarian civil war with at least four or five different warring factions that offers no hope of a peaceful and lasting resolution for at least a couple of generations.

“We’ve watched conflicts of United States in Iraq and Afghanistan for last 14 years, waiting for the opportunity to fight and bring transient glory to Mother Russia,” said Sgt. Ivan Smirnov. “It is an honor to become mortar fodder in a third-world country for the sake of intangible victories that dissipate the moment we leave.”

Junior Sgt. Egor Keshnokov, a soldier who also saw combat in Crimea and eastern Ukraine, intimated that his one wish was to be deployed to Syria a minimum of three times in the next two years. “These men make the Iraqi insurgents Uncle Sam was fighting look like peaceniks,” Keshnokov said. “I will deploy here six to seven times over the next twelve years to fight them.”

Meanwhile, some U.S. Congressional leaders were also pleased with Russia’s involvement in Syria.

“It’s been a long time since we’ve had a good proxy war with those Commies,” said House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.). “We can’t wait to start supplying arms to ISIS in a short-sighted strategy that will eventually be viewed as one of history’s most colossal failures.”

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