2016 GOP Candidates Strengthen Foreign Policy Credentials By Watching ‘American Sniper’
DES MOINES, Iowa — With the 2016 Presidential race heating up, leading Republican candidates recently spent time bolstering their foreign policy credentials with a 134 minute long, Academy Award winning Iraq strategy session directed by Clint Eastwood.
Flannel pajamas on and sleeping bags in hand, Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, Jeb Bush, and Ben Carson spent a recent evening sleeping over in a local donor’s “sick” home theater.
According to housekeeping staff who witnessed the session, Carson told the others, “The rest of you guys better shut the fuck up while this is playing. I actually need to learn something here. I certainly didn’t get offered a scholarship to West Point for my knowledge of the sand filled, ass backwards hell hole that is the Middle East.”
The tense opening scene in which Navy SEAL Chris Kyle—portrayed by Bradley Cooper—debates shooting an Iraqi woman and her son reportedly caused a debate about why an elite special operations warrior would ever hesitate to pull the trigger.
Bush told the others, “This is cut and dry. If I were a soldier, which I’ve never been, I’d just shoot ’em.”
“Yeah, and you could drive around that whole damn country flying your brother’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner from the back of your Hummer too,” Trump reportedly said.
The witnesses indicate that Bush then retorted, “He kept us safe, remember?”
Bush also apparently said that sniper rifles are “pretty freakin’ sweet” before low crawling behind the couch as though he was occupying a hide position in some war torn country.
“Look, it’s just like when I was on the debate team at Harvard,” Cruz is said to have offered. “We had one simple rule: if you have the opposing team in your sights, you don’t wait to pull the trigger. You hesitate, you die.”
“Just look at what happened when we debated those felons in upstate New York.”
However, as the movie progressed, the candidates apparently found common ground, agreeing that though Navy SEAL training looked “pretty tough,” it would all be worthwhile in order to “blow stuff up” and “get totally jacked,” the housekeepers report the candidates as saying.
“Even Hillary Clinton thought she could do Marine training,” Bush laughed. “How tough could that be?”
Reached for comment at press time, a Clinton spokesman clarified her military record. “Though Hillary never actually joined the Marines, she is the candidate most qualified to serve as Commander-in-Chief. She’s seen the movie ‘G.I. Jane’ over 1oo times and happens to be a pretty big fan of ‘Top Gun’ too.”