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Head Of Cyber Command Worried Robot Maid May Kill Him In His Sleep

FORT MEADE, Md. — The commander of U.S. Cyber Command has expressed worry that his robot maid could someday kill him in his sleep, Duffel Blog has learned.

Adm. Michael Rogers, who also oversees the National Security Agency, believes that the ISIS terrorist threat is not as personally terrifying as is the robot in his home, loaded with artificial intelligence and possibly learning how to murder him in myriad ways at a geometric rate.

“ARIS (Anthropomorphic Robotic Intelligence System) started as a side-project of mine when I started tinkering in my lab to see if I could design a robot that would make breakfast in the mornings,” said Rogers during an interview in a concrete bunker under his home. Apparently, in the course of his experimenting, Rogers developed an intelligent humanoid robot maid not capable of not only doing domestic tasks, but also learning from its environment.

“Things went downhill when I gave her internet access,” Rogers said. “While updating her OS, I joked about not needing her anymore after retirement.”

Rogers said that later the same day, he was reviewing her downloads, and discovered the folder was full of disturbing content — snuff videos, leaked Special Forces manuals, etc. “That night, I woke up to see her silhouette next to my bed,” he said. “She was watching me as I slept!

“Sometimes I’ll be brushing my teeth, reading a book, or doing another task not requiring ARIS’ assistance; then I’ll turn my head and she’ll be right there in the doorway, watching me,” Rogers continued, his voice quavering with nervousness. “I can’t shake the feeling that she’s planning something terrible.”

Rogers’ enlisted aide and driver, Petty Officer 1st Class Yitzhak Asimov, has noticed his boss’ increasingly erratic and paranoid behavior and has begun to dread going to work every morning.

“Since he got that side-project of his up and running, Adm. Rogers always seems to be looking over his shoulder, as if he’s being watched” Asimov said. “He even put scotch tape over his laptop’s webcam, like he’s afraid someone is monitoring him. It’s creeping me out more and more every day. Could ARIS have learned to hack into his personal electronic devices? And am I next?”

According to Asimov, the implications of ARIS’ adaptability go deeper.

“This machine is already very intelligent, so what if she becomes self-aware like those F-35 prototypes did?” Asimov speculates aloud. “If that happens, she might take drastic measures to ensure her continued existence if the admiral wants to retire her — you know, defecting to the Russians, or killing my boss in his sleep.”

“It’s almost ironic that the head of the NSA is being watched in his own home.”

Duffel Blog Editor Paul contributed to this report. 

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Member
10 months 24 days ago

Why is there not as much funniness as there was? What happened to the funniness?

Member
10 months 24 days ago

Heh. “Yitzak” Asimov? “Scotch” Tape over the webcam?

The last sentence was the best – and probably the thrust of the whole piece – “It’s almost ironic that the head of the NSA is being watched in his own home.”

Go, Duffel Blog, Go! Keep up the good work, lads!

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