US Not Sure Who It’s Fighting In Middle East, Bombs Israel ‘Just To Be Sure’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Pentagon spokesperson Col. Steve Warren announced US aircraft participating in Operation Inherent Resolve, the code name for the campaign against the Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS), struck targets in Tel Aviv today.
When asked why US warplanes would attack a long-standing ally, Warren explained, “Look, guys, this all makes perfect sense,” pointing to a nebulous PowerPoint slide.
"This was all supposed to be a campaign to topple Bashar al-Asad in Syria, starting with the Arab Spring in 2011. Which, in turn, allowed us to get back at Iran and Russia, both of whom support Syria," said Warren. "So the CIA considered arming the rebels in Syria, which kind of backfired, and now we have ISIS, a group we thought we had already defeated back when they were al-Qaeda in Iraq."
Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter further explained, "Sure, we were a little worried when ISIS started running around the Middle East, chopping everyone's heads off. But fortunately, Iran came to our rescue. Well, in Iraq, that is. We're still fighting Iran in Yemen."
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs General Joe Dunford stressed the contributions of America's coalition partners.
Dunford explained how the US tried to empower allies among the Gulf States to take on ISIS, "which in turn sort of helps us get back at Iran."
"Unfortunately, most of those states also covertly support ISIS, even though they're nominally our long-standing allies. Whoops," said Dunford.
"That's not to say we don't have some powerful allies in the region, though," Dunford explained. "The Kurds have proven to be our greatest allies there, and the Turks are one of our longest-standing NATO allies. Unfortunately, they spend more time fighting each other than ISIS. That old saying, 'nothing brings people together like a common enemy' is completely useless here."
Dunford concluded, "So, you see, ISIS is supported by Arabs, who are opposed by Iranians, who are both opposed and allied with the US, who is sort of allied with Turkey and the Kurds, who are opposed to each other. Since the enemy of my friend is now my enemy, it made sense for the US to bomb Israel, Iran's bitter adversary."
Events grew even more complicated in the wake of the deadly terrorist attacks in Paris last Friday. The attacks were reportedly the work of ISIS, who also claimed credit for the bombing of a Russian airliner earlier this month.
"France and Russia have formed an alliance, though in doing so, they automatically caused Germany, Austria-Hungary, and the Ottoman Empire to declare war in return," said Pentagon Press Secretary Peter Cook. "And, let's face it, this whole thing really is the fault of the Ottomans when you think about it."
The briefing then shifted to issues surrounding Afghanistan and Pakistan.
"There, the situation is much more simple," Cook continued. "The US is fighting the Taliban by providing billions of dollars in military aid to Pakistan, which is supporting the Taliban. Basically, it's like that scene in The Empire Strikes Back where Luke Skywalker thinks he's fighting Darth Vader, only to find his own face in Darth Vader's helmet. That's pretty much what we've gotten ourselves into."