CHIYODA, Japan — This morning, on the 73rd anniversary of Pearl Harbor, Emperor Akihito admitted in a public comment that the Japanese sneak attack that brought the United States into World War Two was “kind of a dick move.”
“We are taking the time to express Our regret for a wrong committed over 70 years ago,” the Emperor began. “This week, after seeing a news report about a Pearl Harbor veteran ceremony, We thought to ourself, ‘Man, that was kind of a dick move, We should probably make an expression that acknowledges that.'”
The emperor said he used the American slang to make his message more heartfelt and appealing to his US audience, according to a Japanese political analyst.
“Really, what the hell were we thinking? That was a really weird time for us,” Akihito added.
Akihito made the stunning remarks during a speech at the Yasukuni Shrine, a controversial Shinto site which commemorates the names of Japanese soldiers killed in service to the Empire. Among the names are those of war criminals hanged by international tribunal.
“We would also like to note that that this announcement has absolutely nothing to do with an upcoming $10 billion arms deal with the United States for new Aegis guided missile destroyers,” Akihito added at the end of his remarks.
The announcement stunned onlookers and infuriated governments across the region, especially China, whose people suffered some of the worst atrocities at the hands of the Japanese Empire during the war, including the infamous Rape of Nanking, where over 100,000 women were forced into sex slavery for Japanese soldiers and an estimated 300,000 citizens were killed.
Although Akihito apologized for the Nanking incident in 1995, he refused to issue a written statement. Many Japanese history books still refer to that conflict as the War of Western Aggression.
While US officials praised the announcement, many on social media have criticized the emperor for not going further and condemning his country’s role in the creation and distribution of Hello Kitty, Pokemon, tentacle porn, and ridiculous game shows.
“This is complete bullshit,” said Chinese General Secretary Xi Jinping in an official statement after hearing about the incident. “If he keeps this shit up the People’s Republic of China will make the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki look like firecrackers. Hypothetically, of course.”
At press time analysts noted that throughout the entire speech Akihito didn’t ever actually use the words “sorry,” “apologize” or even “our bad,” for the 1941 attack.