THE PENTAGON – The Islamic State has developed a new, incredibly effective way to safeguard their communications, according to intelligence sources. By putting the phrase “Star Wars Spoiler” in message headers, the group has essentially eliminated any chance of their messages being read by United States intelligence services even if they are intercepted.
“It’s been three days since any of us have had any intelligence at all on ISIS maneuvers and plans,” Capt. Mark Newman, Army intelligence officer, said in an interview. “We’re trying to put people who have seen the movie on the rotator out to the sandbox, but that’s pretty much making everyone lie about whether or not they’d seen Episode VII.”
Reporters have been unable to see any of the classified intelligence reports, not because Edward Snowden didn’t leak them, but because much of the staff has not seen Episode VII yet either. The ISIS Twitter account, however, was more difficult to avoid looking at.
“*STAR WARS SPOILER:* We will be attacking FOB Alpha tomorrow from the west with 14 men at exactly 4:05 PM local time,” as one tweet said.
FOB Alpha — manned by over two hundred troops — was completely wiped out.
For some troops, however, even their return to the United States won’t be enough to get them back to processing intelligence gleaned from ISIS communications.
“I’m totally screwed. I’m going to get home at that awkward time in between when it’s in the theaters and when it comes out on Blu-Ray,” said Staff Sgt. Lucy Griere, an Air Force all-source intelligence analyst. “What the fuck am I supposed to do during that time? I’ve got powerpoint presentations to build if I’m going to get promoted, and now I’m going to have to do all of it with intel that comes from the Russians. And that means we’re going to be blowing up a lot of Turks.”
Meanwhile Newman enthusiastically explained that the United States has exactly 522 days to counter this strategy before ISIS would double down and once again obfuscate their attack plans.
When asked why such an exact number, he jumped up and down, laughing like a schoolgirl.
“Because that’s when Episode VIII comes out!” he said.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Please excuse any typographical errors in this article; due to Star Wars spoilers, most of the Duffel Blog team has been forced to write all of their articles with their eyes closed.