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Brave DC Guardsman Runs Towards the Sound of Snowflakes

WASHINGTON — D.C. National Guard 1st Lt. Patrick Hoover has taken a pledge to ignore his personal safety, family obligations and unscheduled telecommute to run towards the sound of snowflakes.

“There’s always someone that just as everyone else is running away for their own protection will run back into the fray,” said Hoover.  “These are today’s Spartans, sitting in cold armory so that others may sleep peaceably in their beds as frozen water falls.”

“It’s like what Mr. Rogers said,” added Hoover, munching on freshly delivered pizza. “When bad things happen, look for the helpers.”

Hoover has made the decision, again and again, to follow National Guard values and face fear to overcome raindrops, snowflakes, power outages and large crowds to protect everything we hold dear as Americans.

“Once, I had to drive a Humvee with no snow tires to get a little old lady to her dialysis appointment.” said Hoover.  “There’s no way to train for that. You just need to reach deep inside yourself and know that the army has prepared you to handle this.”

The capital’s inability to handle snow is legendary. To Hoover, the choice is about whether he was going to sit around complaining about it or become part of the solution.

“I saw a riot break out in a Trader Joe’s in Foggy Bottom over free-range, locally sourced chicken breast and organic Greek yogurt.” Said Hoover.  “I wasn’t going to stand by and ignore it. I called Metro Police, because I’m an American hero. An American hero without weapons or arrest authority.”

National Guardsmen will be calming local residents’ worries during Winter Storm Jonas by providing answers such as, “I don’t know, ask my sgt.,” “I haven’t heard yet,” and “I think it’s supposed to be nearby, right?”

On previous call ups, Hoover has selflessly picked out the peanut butter packets from MREs before giving them out in homeless shelters, eaten chili at a D.C. fire department and watched crowds at an all-star mega concert on the mall.

Staff Sgt. Quishada Slaughter, Hoover’s platoon sergeant, questions his lieutenant’s motives.

“He got here four hours early which is alright but I wasn’t going to,” said Slaughter. “But I think he’s just doing it for the rescue sex. Bitches love rescues.”

Slaughter listed her motivations as similar to Hoover’s.

“We’re just neighbors helping neighbors out here.”  Said Slaughter.  “By the way, to you have a charger for an iPhone 5?”

Hoover will be awarded the army commendation medal for his work informing ten civilians that yes, the metro will close at 11pm and not reopen all weekend.

Duffel Blog warriors Donnell, Jay B and Dirty contributed to this story.

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8 months 29 days ago

You have no idea how accurate this is!

8 months 28 days ago

Indeed, our hard top hummers had lousy road tires that went precisely nowhere in snow.
We went to the utility model and it, with off road tires, went all over the area without a problem.
Well, everyone except the LT, who immediately got stuck in a mere 30 inches of light powder snow. Listening all the time to his whining about the cold, like it was Germany or something, where icicles get frostbite.
Couldn’t wait to retire!


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