THE PENTAGON – The world of Islamic terrorism is bracing for impact today after a Pentagon press release announced that the United States will be canceling the F-35 program and instead hiring George R. R. Martin as Senior Pentagon Strategist, sources say. The respected fantasy author was appointed after members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff finally caught up on season five of Game of Thrones, which according to witnesses, Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh described as “fucking brutal.”

Cutting the F-35 and selling the remaining aircraft to China will serve as the source of funding for the new billet. It seems as though no one will be sad to see it go. The troubled program was facing a total bill of $1.5 trillion, all for an aircraft that had difficulty performing basic flight and dogfighting maneuvers but did, in fact, possess radar.

But why George R. R. Martin? The answer, says Gen. Mark Milley, Army Chief of Staff, can be summed up in two words.

“Body count," Milley said. “He’s a ruthless, efficient killer that shows no mercy. George is the kind of man I want on my side. Far, far away from me, but on my side.”