There Is Nowhere I’d Rather Be On Super Bowl Sunday Than Maintaining An F/A-18 For A Pointless 8-Second Flight
An Op-Ed By Staff Sgt. William Tecumseh Charmen, Blue Angel No. 4 Crew Chief
SANTA CLARA, Calif. — America and football go together like burger and cheese, which is why I am pleased to spend my Super Bowl Sunday working on Blue Angel No. 4 instead of attending a Super Bowl party with my family, drinking beer and enjoying the commercials. And unlike the shitbag Guardsmen who will present the colors at the game, my service will be pure, because it doesn’t come with a sideline seat in Levi’s Stadium.
There’s nothing quite so awesome as knowing that you are a part of literally burning more than $24,000 per plane just so fatties with more money than sense and no rooting interest in the game can get a Lee-Greenwoody in their pants for a minute, before going right back to forgetting about the little people like me who do all the work.
Yes, sir, an extra six hours of maintenance is what I crave doing on my usual day off, all so my hot shot pilot —excuse me, “aviator” — can take my airplane and put it on national TV for eight beautiful seconds, for a reason that I am sure makes sense to someone up the chain of command. They haven’t told us, because we are just small cogs in the giant machine, but I’m pretty sure the reason is ‘Murica.
And, as not only just a small cog but also a taxpayer, I am pleased that we will blow through roughly $145,000 for today’s flyby, which doesn’t even count the training hours this week, or the awesome flyover for some reason at yesterday’s Celebrity Flag Football game, which meant I got to use up my Saturday, too! I’m sure all those Santa Clara University students will be rushing to the recruiter’s office before their boners fall.
I am also truly grateful to my pilot, er, “aviator,” whom I affectionately call Lt. Pucker because of his skill at eating coal and shitting diamonds, who after finishing his flyover, will be at the O-Club well before the end of the first quarter, while I’m still out here taking care of the plane.
He and the other pilots have promised to chip in for some Applebees takeout for us, which will be cold by the time we get to eat it, because we can’t touch food near the aircraft, or before we have washed all the carcinogens off our fingers.
It’s always Applebee’s, because they get a discount, and the Navy Hot Shot bonus pay doesn’t go as far as it used to.
There are few things I love more than the smell of hydraulic fluid on my skin — smells like victory! I hope you enjoy the victory of your favorite team, America. Just know that I’ll be having a more awesome Super Bowl party than you, or even those members of ISIS who will no doubt get to see more of the game than I do.