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Coast Guard enlists phone sex operators to make search and rescue more sensual

WASHINGTON — A new Coast Guard initiative aims to “reduce stress” during search and rescue contact with mariners, by using radio opartors with “sexy, sultry voices,” according to sources in Headquarters Coast Guard.The sources say the Coast Guard has hired 30 former phone sex workers as radio operators at most high profile Sectors across the coastal United States.

“When a mariner is in distress and panic sets in, all you want at that time is a calm, sexy voice telling you everything is going to be okay” said Sector Commander Captain Oliver Kloseoff. “And telling you that a big boat full of hot, salty seamen are headed his way.”

After a two month qualification process and a one month Search and Rescue Course in Yorktown, Virginia, the sex phone operators are then billeted to local Sectors where they maintain communications on Channel 69.

“Are you taking on water? Because I’m getting so wet right now” says Jenn Vallin, aka “Daisy Mayday,” as she responds to a distressed mariner in Anchor Bay, Michigan. “Also as you blow air into your life raft, it is requested that you think of my fat tits in your mouth.”

The boating public’s response has been positive, according to Kloseoff. “I mean, they’re providing a service. We even have a few male operators for women and homosexual mariners. They’re pretty passionate about saving lives and blowing loads.”

The operators are encouraged to ask for the distressed mariner’s current position, nature of distress, and if they’re cock is super hard right now.

The Coast Guard plans to implement more Sectors with phone sex operators this fiscal year, filling in spots in Upper Mississippi, San Diego, and Guam.

“We want to make sure our day-to-day mariners are comfortable in the event of distress,” concludes Kloseoff, “Let’s be honest, would you rather be adrift at sea with some boring radio person talking? Or would you like to hear Beatrice Cumbersnatch tell you to drop anchor and flog that dolphin?”

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