WASHINGTON — As the U.S. military prepares to fight the wars of the future, many of the most effective warriors will very likely be keyboard warriors, far behind the lines of combat. According to Lt. Gen. Edward C. Cardon, the head of U.S. Army Cyber Command, however, the U.S "nerd inventory" is at an all time low.

"We simply don’t have enough nerds," Col. Jeffrey Church, the head of the Army's electronic warfare division, said, "but we’re working on it as we speak. We’re lowering weight standards, altering work hours."

With most of the nerd demographic above acceptable weight and grooming standards, Cyber Command is scrambling for loopholes to leverage the skills they have acquired from years of nerding out, to bring them to bear on future adversaries of the United States.